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Please Allow Me To Introduce Myself, I'm A Man of Modest Wealth and Taste. I've Watched This Crap For Nine Long Years and Tuesday Night Was A Waste!
A blogger called it "Exile On Meh Street." That was a tad too charitable.
Another way of looking at it is with the parody of Bob Dylan's song "Like A Rolling Stone", which some comedian years ago re-fashioned into "Like A Rolling Gallstone." I took enough imaginary Tums Tuesday night to get one.
So I had to watch this on the computer in clips on the website Rickey.org because I got home late (work, etc.), and decided to skip the contestant video packages, although I did get home in time to see Crystal's dad crying. He looks like a skinny version of G. Gordon Liddy.
For me, for the most part, it was a disappointing night. I wanted them to try to stay true to the originals, and instead, they played the game, switching it up way too much, or staying in their comfort zones. Sorry, I wasn't buying it too much.
In many ways, these 12 are like so many other seasons -- they are all turning into One Trick Ponies, and I hate, HATE! that.
So Turning To The Menu of Mostly Butchered Rolling Stones Classics:
Miss You In Motion
Michael Lynche, singing "Miss You": I don't think you can sing that line about Puerto Rican girls in high falsetto. The first minute was good, even though it sounded strangely like an obscure hit from the 1970's called "Backfield In Motion." Which when Big Mike dances, that's what it looks like. But he turned the last 40 seconds into an R & B concoction which was something so opposite of the original song, it was a disaster. Even though "Miss You" is considered one of the Stones' "Disco Era" songs.
Result: Two Tums. Mild stomach ache.
Shemp, whose windbag dad is now running for the U.S. Senate here in New York (and if he gets the Republican nomination, will lose to Kirsten Gillibrand -- Scott Brown, he ain't), puts her foot and butt in her mouth at the same time by comparing Big Mike to Mick Jagger and telling him that he "filled up that stage." No kidding! Moe was a little more real by saying that to some extent the performance was corny and a little desperate.
Meanwhile, Ryan Seacrest and Moe engage in a fake argument where Ryan thinks he's Robert DeNiro in "Taxi Driver", but then Moe starts singing "Back Off Boogaloo" and the conversation morphs into a discussion about what trailer they are going to sleep in that night.
Not The Only One Who Made "Fire" Into Two Syllables
Uh, Joe, Jim Morrison sang "Fy-Yar" in two syllables in "Light My Fire." The Ohio Players did it in "Fire". R.E.M. did it. The Crazy World of Arthur Brown, where Joe lives, did it too in the 1960's. The Pointer Sisters did it in their song, "Fire", written by Bruce Springsteen, and when Robin Williams covered it as Elmer Fudd, he made it into at least 10 syllables. Heheheheheheh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLMjHy12eWo&feature=related
Other than the bit** faces that make Didi Benami look like she needs a tube of Preparation H, I liked this. I was not familiar with the song "Playing With Fire", but I listened to it on YouTube.
Didi broke out a little from that Ingrid Michaelson box and stayed true enough to the original for my liking. She needs to do a lot more of that. Best connection with the song of any of the 12 tonight. Really good. But she can't wail like Jagger if her life depended on it.
Shemp was pretty much right on, using the word "Intensity." Moe called it solid, but not brilliant, correctly pointing out that Didi almost became a foghorn about 20 seconds into the song. Didi let a little cat out of the bag that she's had to grow a thick skin because she's been struggling in L.A. for a while now. She still hasn't really talked about the fact that she collaborated with the guy who co-wrote "Terrified" with Shemp.
No Tums.
I Used To Like His Singing, But Its All Over For Now
An internet poster said he tried to copy a cover of "Its All Over Now" by hard rock band Social Distortion. I'm going to have to listen to that one. Meanwhile, Casey James came out with blond Constantine Maroulis hair. While he tried to stay true to the original a little, instead, it was very Crapenstein-like, very un-put-together. He sounded at best like a good amateur bar singer.
I'm surprised Larry knows who Kenny Wayne Sheppard is, not surprised that he knows who Jonny Lang is, since his sister, Jesse Langseth, made it to the Wild Card show last year. In Larryspeak, he called it "stones-y rocky". I'm not sure if he was thinking about Sylvester Stallone or Bullwinkle when he said that.
Shemp loses her mind again, saying it was his best performance to date. She was right that he put a country twang/blues/soul spin on it, but a Hungarian Goulash like that tastes like a mess. She also called him a "Rockstar". Listen, Shemp, I've got VHS tapes of both seasons of "Rockstar", and Casey ain't that.
Moe wants people to use the stage. I'm sure he was thinking of Chris Daughtry when he shlepped the mic stand around the stage singing "Higher Ground" on Stevie Wonder night in Season 5. Actually, I think he wants everyone to jump around like a monkey. By that logic, Moe would have called Joan Baez, Jim Croce, and Harry Chapin's singing "audition performances."
Some people think Joe's jokes are lame, but I laughed when she said most women's hearts would be racing just looking at Casey and his dirty hair, "but for people like me . . ." On the other hand, about two minutes later, Ryan said something about a "natural blonde" and Joe had a look on her face like she wanted to tear his head off. Both Joe and I needed Two Tums.
Shiny Happy Ruby Tuesday
The song starts out with a really nice string arrangement, but the lack of a flute takes half of the sound of the original away. Meanwhile, I'd say Lacey Brown sang "Ruby Tuesday" in tune, and it was all nice and stuff, but I don't see "Ruby Tuesday" as a happy or peppy song, and she sang it that way. Did she listen to the original? It's a melancholy song.
Before she sat down, which Joe inanely criticized her for, she vamped around the stage, and sang it with a big smile on her face. She also did the "Idolizing" with the glory notes. Well, its "Goodbye" Ruby Tuesday, not "Hi Y'all!" And then she threw in that cheesy and tinny "StillI'mGonnaMissYa!" The end note was a trainwreck. Lacey needs to learn how to fade out better. They also gave her 45 seconds to talk so I could take a short nap.
Joe did correctly say it was a bit sleepy. They're going to have to have a hard rock night, where Lacey should be forced to sing Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation." That'll put a jolt into her mom and dad, both of whom are evangelical ministers.
Moe told her she performs like an actress, she's too calculated and overthinks it, says in effect that she's in danger of becoming a one trick pony. 15 minutes later, when Siobhan totally performs like an actress, Moe slobbers all over her. Me? I just had a stomach ache. Two Tums. And Lacey will have dinner tomorrow where? Ruby Tuesday's, of course!
Gimme More ... or Less?
I like to decide how I feel about performances the second they end, rather than get influenced by the Stooges or bloggers. So my first reaction when I heard Andrew Garcia was going to sing "Gimme Shelter" was oh, no, he's got to be kidding, especially when he came out wearing John Astin's smoking jacket. Then, I found myself liking it, except for the annoying glory notes at the end, and the loungeyness of the arrangement. It was better than the song that shall not be named. He had to sing it pretty straight, ditched his guitar and chemistry set.
I was agreeing with non-musician Joe. But after reading the blogs which tore him to shreds, I watched it again and noticed the large number of off-pitch notes, as Larry, for a change, did. But I still liked it. Sue Me.
Still, after reading the blogs, I thought of Britney Spears' song "Gimme More", one of those wispy thin dance-type songs that she sings through a computer, and in general, I still want Fugcia to "Gimme Less."
Shemp wants to make him better, so she pontificates that the song was about the Vietnam War and he had no connection with it. Next thing you know, when Andrew sings The Beatles' "Happiness Is A Warm Gun", Shemp will tell him the song is about guys who like to go to the pistol range.
Moe tells Shemp to stop boring everybody with history. He said Fugcia gets an A for effort (he'd better check Fugcia's pants), admits that the Stooges have given him "mixed criticism" and nuts, and that he sounded better in rehearsal, which probably was true.
Apparently, in his video package, Andrew's dad thought he'd be a "custodian." Sounds like a great dad, aspiring for his kid to be a janitor. One Tum for the bloggers, One Tum for Fugcia's dad.
Tame One Trick Susan Boyle Shetland Ponies
The producers must really want Katie Stevens to do well, because I thought she took the biggest risk of the night, doing Susan Boyle's cover of "Wild Horses." Don't count out Katie as TCO (The Chosen One), because the Stooges, especially Moe, didn't kill her.
Nothing special. I can hear that in the lounge at Foxwoods any day. When she started, it was like Yogi Berra's "Fork In The Road." Take It. Was she going to stay true to the original, or go for the SuBo high note? I groaned when she chose the SuBo fork. She got the split screen. She wore a frilly dress to the pageant. She ended with a glory note. Mehhhhhh. Ok, there were some relatively good spots in the middle. Yawn. Except for the fire in my stomach because Katie is so infuriatingly average.
Three Tums.
Larry lied and called it a strong performance. Joe's joke that she almost wore what Katie wore was lame. She went for the "started shaky but ended great" lie. Shemp said she's going in the right direction, singing another song ballad style, and that she's "never technically perfect", which will sell a lot of concert tickets. Moe lied that it was well done, she picked a strong song, but lost the emotion as she went on. He mentioned Boyle, but didn't roast producer favorite Katie. If Katelyn Epperly had done this, you can bet your bippy Moe would have torn her apart.
Under My A**!
After showing Tim Urban's lily white friends in the audience, Tim insults the entire Rolling Stones catalog by doing a silly reggae-style version of "Under My Thumb." It was mostly in tune, but so what. It was just plain awful. Joe got it right that it sounded like she was at a resort, by the pool bar, washing down four Tums with a Pina Colada.
While Larry got it right, calling it bizarre (which also defines Larry's vocabulary) and weird, Shemp gives Timmeh credit for doing something "incredibly different." I guess that's what she said when her husband broke his leg while wearing a Batman costume on a trapeze over their bed.
All of this is Shemp's damned fault for demanding contestants "switch it up" all the time. I assign at least 25 percent negligence to Shemp for ruining the Rolling Stones, especially someone who really is knowledgeable about their songs and their career.
Boring, huh?
Now, if you really want some history, find the documentary about the 1969 Altamont Music Festival in California. I'm not sure if it was "Under My Thumb", but the security at that music festival was provided by the Hell's Angels, and they were so good at it that they murdered a member of the audience in the middle of the Rolling Stones singing.
But Moe was right when he said Stones' fans would want to turn off their TV's. Which comment got Tim another week of Vote For The Worst support. I didn't think that was going to be enough after that horrible and boring performance, but the comedy voters just turned out enough.
I give Timmeh credit for telling the truth: That it was a big risk, but he knew his limitations, he can't sing like Jagger, and tried to have fun with it. Its almost like Tim is William Hung making the Top 12.
One blogger said Tim's haircut reminds him of Bobby Sherman from a million years ago (I happen to know that after his entertainment career ended, Bobby Sherman became a paramedic). Another blogger did a "photochop" of Tim, superimposing his hair on Darth Vader.
Bittersweet Screamphony
I love Siobhan Magnus. I think she's a freaking great singer. She sang "Paint It Black" great in parts. But I didn't like the overall performance.
First, the glam makeover, making her look gorgeous, didn't work with her mother's Army Boots. She would have been better off with "Snooki's Pouffe" and those boots.
But more to the point, when Gina Glocksen sang this in Season 6, she at least attempted to do it rock style, like the original. Siobhan, instead, tried to add a song to the play "Cats". Siobhan fronted a local rock band on the Cape. I wanted Rock and Roll, instead, I got a bizarro version of Gilbert and Sullivan. Not to be confused with Gilbert O'Sullivan, Happy St. Patty's Day! or Ed Sullivan.
The opening a capella was sensational, but the middle parts sounded very casino-lounge like. And then the screaming. Two Tums. Immediately I thought Siobhan would be wonderfully cast to re-create the shower scene in "Psycho."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VP5jEAP3K4
It could be that she was trying to emulate Jared Leto of 30 Seconds To Mars, because in their latest hit, Kings & Queens, he ends the song with a long scream as well.
If I were a Stooge, I'd advise Siobhan to cut the theatrics and start singing straight again.
I think Moe really likes her, and aptly put in that subtle dig that now she's going to have to scream at the end of every song. I hope Siobhan has the brains to understand the hidden meaning in that comment. He was also spot on that some people would love it, some would hate it, but at least she's not boring.
Shemp may have been right somewhat about the interpretation, but, other than they both can scream, I don't see the comparison with Adam Lambert, and I wish the Stooges would shut the heck up about that. Unfortunately, the blogs are loaded with "female Adam Lambert" comments.
If this gig doesn't work out, Siobhan can don the glasses and play Brett Somers in "The Match Game Movie." And since she's a fan of Courtney Love and Hole, on Cobain Family Night, she should be forced to sing Hole's new song, "Celebrity Skin". Even better though, on Classic Rock Night, Siobhan should be forced to sing this. Think you can scream, Shiv-Von?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwxJ46HWXbA
Domesticated Animal Of Light Load
The bloggers loved Lee DeWyze's take on "Beast Of Burden". Not me. I thought, even after watching it a second time, Oy Vey. This guy is calculating, aiming for the "Hot AC" (WPLJ) market. He sang the Owl City version of "Beast Of Burden" (no, they didn't cover it, just an illustration). I absolutely hated it. Gave me a four Tum stomach ache.
It just sounded so thin to me, with nowhere near the oomph of the original.
Maybe Moe is trying to get him to let loose, if he's even capable of doing that, telling him he has a great voice. I see and hear no evidence of that yet. Moe wants a moment, so maybe Lee, wearing an ugly green leather jacket, should have taken a dump on the stage. Hey, it worked for Taylor Hicks every week!
Shemp brought some unwitting comedy to the table, saying Lee was "growing faster than anyone" else of the 12. Because Lee is certainly not losing any weight on the show, and if he gained about 10 pounds and you put him in a brown UPS uniform, he'd look a lot like Kevin James on "The King Of Queens." Not to be confused with that Jared Leto song. Joe was closer to the truth when she called Lee "A Hospital Gown." Larry was smoking dope again.
She's A Honky Tonk Throat Infection
Here's where we learn how much Moe really cares about his job. On Monday, Paige Miles "tweeted" on the AI9 contestants Twitter that she lost her voice in rehearsals, that she had a throat infection. Doesn't Moe have an assistant to tell him that so as not to look like an idiot when he asked Paige what the problem was with her voice? Also, I think she connected just fine. Moe is talking through his a** on that one.
Larry sounded even dumber when he said she should have had more energy. 24 hours earlier, she had no voice! What a dolt!
Meanwhile, the fact that she sang as well as she did, with as much energy as she did, is enough to give her credit. She was also smart enough to make the song a little more believable by making herself a "Honky Tonk Woman." I wouldn't call it sensational, though, and there was a lot of Idolizing in there with the end glory note. One Tum. Plus, I hate her family's T-shirts.
Angie Get Your Gun
Within his limitations, Aaron Kelly did a nice job with "Angie." Not too much country frying, so Angie probably didn't have to get her gun and pickup truck. I think he even got the emotion, connection, and interpretation. For once, I agreed with Shemp and Moe at the same time. But I suspect if he had chosen any other Stones' song, it would have been a trainwreck of Epic proportions, and only John Astin and Jackie Coogan would have been happy.
Ryan talks about pomade. I don't know about Ryan. The last time I used Pomade was about 1973.
I Can't Always Get What I Want, But I Can Feel Good At The End
Girlfriend Crystal Bowersox can sang. Her dad can cry. So even though its a bit of the same meal with "You Can't Always Get What You Want", the stomach feels better after Mamasox soothes me with an excellent performance.
I agree with the Stooges that she added some personality. Joe was funny when she told Crystal and all the kids in America not to think.
It looks to me like Moe may want to set up a Crystal/Siobhan Grand Finale showdown, which would not be bad at all, because he blathers about bad song choice, lack of emotion, digging deep. Crystal shoots back that she didn't think of this as a competition, but thanked Moe for saying that. I love her attitude.
However, I still think she has to leave her comfort zone and show she can do something a bit different. After she sings Marshall Tucker's "Hot Rod Lincoln", Crystal may be
writing an original song called "One Trick Pony."
Wish they played the Tums "Dragnet" jingle when Lacey got the boot: Tum Tum Tum Tum Tums
David Cook stole "Jumpin' Jack Flash" from Tim. Also, Australian singer Orianthi, who was Michael Jackson's gutarist, was on.
And then there's "Ke$ha". I told my friend Miss Jones New York that after she performs, she'll understand why Lilly Scott and Katelyn Epperly were eliminated.
I'm always looking for volunteer writers. If you're interested,
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