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Section 145.00(1) of the New York Penal Law provides that "[a] person is guilty of criminal mischief in the fourth degree when, having no right to do so nor any reasonable ground to believe he has such right, he: Intentionally damages property of another person."

Criminal Mischief in the Fourth Degree is a class A misdemeanor.

Section 145.12 of the New York Penal Law provides that "[a] person is guilty of criminal mischief in the first degree when with intent to damage property of another person, and having no right to do so nor any reasonable ground to believe he has such right, he damages property of another person by means of an explosive."

 Criminal Mischief in the First Degree is a class B felony.

First, I charge the producers with criminal mischief in the fourth degree, because they picked a group of 12 men, who, with maybe one or two exceptions, are so awful, so dreadful, that the producers, in their desperate quest to have a female (Katie Stevens) win, they intentionally damaged the property of 19 Entertainment and the FOX television network:  A television show called American Idol.

If this keeps up, the show will need explosives in order to be blown up and taken out of its and the audience's misery at the end of May.

The only person who had great fun Wednesday night?  Gomez Addams, who was able to play with his train set over and over and over again.

The best performer of the night?  Simon Cowell, who, with one exception (Lee DeWyze), was ON FIRE lambasting this group that he had a part in selecting, for a change telling the truth about their mostly awful performances.

OK, so now lets go to the Complaint Room and start preparing the voluminous paperwork needed to process the large number of suspects.

First suspect is Fraudrick Hall.  One of the major offenders of Wednesday night.  Fraudrick already has allegedly committed hundreds, maybe thousands of counts of petit larceny in Florida, Texas, Tennessee, and Alabama by charging parents of kids a 50 to 100 dollar fee to audition for his play, "Oz:  The Musical".  Then, when the show never opened, he claimed not to have the money to pay the parents back.  I guess that's why he's trying to win American Idol.

Since he's on FOX, why don't they just fly Fox 5 New York's investigative reporter Arnold Diaz out to LA, have him come on stage, point his finger at Fraudrick, and shout, "SHAME ON YOU!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaaMUiohBus

It's fitting that Fraudrick went first, as this season is shaping up to be one big fraud.

Fraudrick can now add at least one felony count of Criminal Mischief in the First Degree to his soon-to-be extensive record.  Because Fraudrick absolutely took a bomb to Kelly Clarkson's Since U Been Gone and turned it into an explosive mess.  First, I thought he was going to rap the whole thing.  Then, he put it in a big blender, and it was not a Beautiful Oblivion.  He turned it Inside Out, Tied It To The Bedpost and made a mishmash out of the whole thing, with all kinds of melisma and strange and kooky stuff.  And there wasn't any Origami or even Orianthi!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Xb_7YDroQ


According to me, if Fraudrick was a car, he would be the one who'd cause a 50-car chain reaction accident on the Interstate.

Three of the Stooges try to be nice to him and call him a "performer."  That's because he's been to Shemp's house, and "performed."  But don't worry, oce again the Day Is Saved by Moe, like the Powerpuff Girls. He calls Fraudrick's performance unrecognizable and bordering on stupid.  I'm sitting there listening to Moe's comments, and for some reason, I burst out in laughter.  When Moe tells the truth about a bad performance, he starts to earn about 1 percent of his 50 million dollar salary.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-ZyPvGh8Vc

So the Stooges want "Artistry", but when they get too much Artistry, or bad Artistry, they lambaste it.  Make up your mind, Stooges!

The bottom line is that all these people have to do is to pick a good song, sing it with conviction, and on key.  Out of all the guys they sent to Hollywood, they couldn't find 12 who could do that?  B.S.  They followed Thaddeus Johnson into the toilet, and I hope they regret that, because he could sing better than half of these guys while in the stall vomiting.

Aaron Kelly hails from rural Pennsylvania, I think near the New York State line to the Southern Tier, where country music abounds and the event of the year is the annual Volunteer Fire Department 4th of July Chicken Barbeque.  He comes out and sings Rascal Flatts' Here Comes Goodbye.  Apparently, the very intelligent former American Idol contestant Chris Sligh wrote this song.

In any other season, singing a song with that title in the dreaded second slot would earn him a ticket on the Short Line Bus to Elmira.  But the field is so bad, that Aaron sounds decent.  He won't get charged with any crimes, musical or otherwise.  But is he a viable country artist?  No.

First of all, he's as white as paste and shaking like a leaf.  I hope someone checked his pants after the show.  Also, I'm not a fan of Rascal Flatts.  Sorry.  Gary LeVox does nothing for me. Second, I'll compare him to some male country singers:  Garth Brooks, Dwight Yoakum, Travis Tritt, Clint Black, Toby Keith, Jason Aldean, Keith Urban.  The male singer from Lady Antebellum.  Years ago, there was upstate New York's Hal Ketchum, who did a nice cover of The Vogues' "Five O'Clock World." 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpRQasrp0YM

There's George Strait, singing "Amarillo By Morning."  A few years back, Chris Young won Nashville Star in 2006, and he's making a living as a country artist, with stuff like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTJBW-zIwWY&feature=related

Aaron is not ready.  Period.  Aaron would probably get booted off Nashville Star quickly.  I think he's a nice kid, but he's got a lot of work to do.  Plus, if all he does is sing country and not try to at least change genres a little, he's going to get old fast.

When Seacrest announces that Jermaine Sellers is singing "Get Here" by Oleta Adams, I cringe.  Way back in Season One, Justin Guarini sang this about 429 times, and I'm still tired of it.  Unfortunately for Jermaine, he commits criminal mischief in the fourth degree by making a bad Arab Man Goulash of this song.  It reminds me a little of the over-the-top version of My Girl that Ejay Day did in Season One.  Last I heard, Ejay was singing on cruise ships.

By trying to pack in his whole range in a short 90 seconds, he sounds even more "ungepatchkit" than Haeley Vaughn.  At least Jermaine doesn't look like a Hot Mess.

Moe finally puts this song in mothballs by saying it would be requested by someone in their 50's (drunk) in a bar.  As someone in that group, I say think even older.  He also says Jermaine was screaming.

However, Jermaine shouldn't get charged with a crime because he asserts the affirmative defense of comedy. He makes fun of himself, and, after showing the clip of him in Hollywood debating with the band, Seacrest asks if he ever apologized to "Michael" (Orland, the pianist and assistant musical director).  Jermaine makes a lot of people laugh by sincerely asking, Whose Michael?  See, Jermaine knows that his real name is Schroeder, so he gets confused.  Also, he thought Michael Jackson died. I think Jermaine has talent, but he may need a slapping from George C. Scott as "Patton" to get his act together.

Next comes Tim Urban, who replaced the horrible disqualified Holly Golightly.  So I'm thinking, maybe this guy is really good and got really lucky.  But I cringe when Seacrest announces that he's going to sing the Onerepublic/Timbaland song Apologize.  To say the obvious, both Tim and the Producers need to apologize to the audience, the Stooges, and Rupert Murdoch.  As much of a nice guy Tim is, he has to be charged with Criminal Mischief in the Fourth Degree.   Give him a suspended sentence and send him home to Texas with some milk and cookies.

At home, I set the world record for uttering the most Oy Veys ever in a 90-second period.

I could sing better than this guy.  Awful is too charitable.  And its too bad, because he seems like a nice kid.  But as they say in the old neighborhood, he can't sing to save his life.  Moe, despite the audience booing, correctly comments that he was justifiably cut the first time.  So why did the Producers bring him back then, and not Thaddeus Johnson?

Tim will survive this week, though, because Vote For The Worst made him their male pick. (Score a point).

Finally, we get a halfway decent performance, surprisingly, by Joe Munoz, singing a really good song, You And I Both by Jason Mraz.  It's not great:  Its thin, no power or projection, but at least its on key.  Which is why Moe harshly says that Joe's performance will be forgotten in 10 seconds.  Somehow, though, I remember the performance because in a sea of awfulness, he was not that bad.

Which reminds me, in a closet at Television City in Hollywood, where they tape Idol, we find Moe, just before the show, standing in front of an old-fashioned cassette recorder.  He pushes a button, and a voice comes on:  "Good Afternoon, Mr. Cowell.  Tonight, your mission is to sit through painful performances by 12 horrible guys and somehow judge them without going nuts.  If you accept this assignment, you will be guaranteed a successful launch of X-Factor in 2011."

"This tape will self-destruct and like Joe Munoz, be forgotten in 10 seconds."  (No kidding).

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mI9KhPJ-utE


Oy, Tyler Grady.  Tyler, Tyler, Tyler.  His connection to the 70's is that he has long hair and a thin body like Jim Morrison or Steven Tyler, and he wears an Apache Tie that I bought at Tie City in 1971.  There was a spoiler that he was going to sing The Who or The Guess Who, and I just knew Tyler was going to go for the most well-known Guess Who song, American Woman.

Now, Tyler does not hold a candle to the great Canadian frontman of The Guess Who, Burton Cummings.

That's why Tyler doesn't pick "No Sugar Tonight", "Laughing", "No Time", " Undun", or "These Eyes." 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07QY9EOMQBw&feature=related


And, because Tyler is an inferior singer and a poseur, he doesn't even sing the Guess Who version of American Woman, he instead sings the not-as-good cover by Lenny Kravitz.  The problem is that he's not even anywhere near Lenny Kravitz.  I dare Tyler try to sing "Are You Going My Way".  Moe confirms that Tyler is a guy who went to pretend Rockstar school.  He's like the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse cartoon my kids watch, one episode of which had Daisy Duck being a "pretend doctor."  Shemp loses the hots for him when she goes to his room and sees all the naked Jim Morrison posters.

Now I get it.  Tyler isn't really a Rockstar.  He just plays one on TV.  He's the antithesis of Rick Springfield.  (Goodluck Tyler, its time to get a role as an orderly on "General Hospital).

But there's not quite enough evidence to charge him with a crime.  Being annoying is not yet a crime.

For some reason, Moe decided to lie about Lee DeWyze and praise his performance of Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.  Larry idiotically says that Snow Patrol is not a rock band, having not heard songs like "Shut Your Eyes", "Take Back The City", and "Crack The Shutters" because Larry doesn't listen to rock stations.  Larry also says he should sing hard rock, but recommends mainstream rock Kings Of Leon instead of something like Black Sabbath's War Pigs.  Moe wants Lee to commit David Cook-style fraud by taking pop songs and copying You Tube covers of them.  Maybe Moe thinks the show's ratings will go down the drain without Lee's genre.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRq9MNTjURo

Lee mangles this song like he does every song, committing Criminal Mischief in the Fourth Degree.  He sings 1/3 of it off key, and inappropriately screams another 1/3 of it.  His rasp sounds unnatural and forced to me.  Also, Lee is doing what so many contestants do.  He's playing The Game.  I Rage Against The Machine.  Don't pick old songs or songs played on pop radio stations just because you think the home audience and the Stooges will like them.  Pick a song you like AND that you can objectively sing great.

John Park has good taste in women.  While Cougar Shemp is available, he has huge hots for Shania Twain, who is about 100 times more attractive than Shemp.  He wants to marry Shania, but what he doesn't know is that he's going to have to fly all the way to Switzerland, climb the Matterhorn and be saved by a St. Bernard before he can get to second base with her.

First impressions can be deceiving, because when he sings G-d Bless The Child, he sounds like he has a nice baritone.  But when the Stooges get through with him, I realize that he has no projection or heft, a problem which many of these guys have, so he doesn't put heart and soul into the song.  The audience must have removed their hearing aids, because they didn't hear Moe say "haven't."  They instead do a collective Gilda Radner impression by thinking that he said "have it."  Nevermind!

Shemp wonders what lane John fits into, but Shemp should have known that John threw a Gutter Ball.  But at least he didn't break the pin setter, so there are no criminal charges.

Did Michael Lynche move to Florida in the last few weeks?  Maybe that's why his performances have become progressively worse. He walks up to the mike with his guitar looking like George Benson, but his singing is closer to Marcel Marceau.  He's not that bad singing Maroon 5's This Love.  But Big Mike, an alleged personal trainer who allegedly weighs 305 pounds, has a voice box that weighs 305 milligrams.  Moe by now is totally pi**** off and waves Mike bye saying that he'll regret that performance when he watches it back, and Moe's right.  Larry uses the biggest word he's used in nine seasons: "Gregarious."

Instead of Jim Morrison, Alex Lambert's hero is British singer James Morrison, who has a strong falsetto and had a recent rock hit with a great song which I think was called "All That Ever Hurt Was You."  Alex, however, is 19, is still in High School, and has a mullet.  He's Sean Penn in Fast Times At Ridgemont High but without the sass.  He sings "Wonderful World", and is awful.  My wife, in the next room, asks me if that's a girl singing.  He almost sounds like nails on a blackboard.  Why the Stooges think he has a great voice is a mystery to me.  I charge him with Criminal Mischief in the Fourth Degree because he's too dumb to assemble an explosive device.

Meanwhile, after the show, Ellen provided lots of entertainment by throwing 12 banana peels in the exit from the studio, so that all 12 guys slipped on their a**, literally and musically.

Finally, finally, Casey James comes out looking like a pretty blonde and does a very good version of Bryan Adams' Heaven.  The only performance that could possibly sell a decent amount of digital downloads on iTunes.  Shemp is beside herself, having had 45 orgasms in a 90-second period.  She then remembers she's married.  During the commercial, she calls her husband and asks if he would be interested in a menage with Casey.  The husband says to call back later, because he's watching that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry tries to break up with a woman by telling her he wants a menage, but learns that she's "into it."  Shemp's husband agrees with Jerry that he'd have to buy a load of bathrobes and body lotion, so he declines.

Someone on the web made me laugh hysterically when he or she wrote that Andrew Garcia looks a lot like the Dear Leader, North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il.  So that Andrew can't just be charged with Criminal Mischief in the First Degree; he needs to be charged with Genocide.

http://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2008/11/03/world/03korea2.ready.html

Andrew, who I think is a so-so musician but a good househusband, angers me by playing the game and trying the same shtick twice with an acoustic version Fall Out Boy's "Sugar, We're Going Down".  This time, he sounds like Don Ho on quaaludes.  And it wasn't the fact that it was acoustic that made it bad, since an astute poster on the web who had been to Fall Out Boy concerts reported that the band sang the song acoustically very well.  It's that, in my opinion, Andrew is not as good as a singer as some of the delusional people on the Web or the Stooges think, and the arrangement was awful.  I thought the Stooges would lie, but even Shemp called him on the shtick, and Moe said it was too serious, indulgent, and not interesting enough.  I'd add that it just sounded plain bad.  Andrew needs to take a song and sing it without taking out his chemistry set.

So, after Wednesday night, with the exception of Casey James, these guys lived up to my designation of them as the worst group of men on this show of all nine seasons, who committed multiple musical (and other) crimes and atrocities.  Maybe they'll do better next week, but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm always looking for volunteer writers.  If you're interested,

EMAIL JAX

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