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Posted by: simonsdrum on Jan 11, 2006 - 12:04 PM
bachelor
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It’s The Bachelor Premiere and things are going to be different this time around. Instead of one hunky bachelor trying to find his soul mate among 25 eligible, desperate and slightly psychotic bimbos, going on dates, talking, laughing and exchanging sexually transmitted diseases; this season promises to be “the most romantic ever.” This season, one hunky bachelor is going to try and find his soul mate among 25 eligible, desperate and slightly psychotic bimbos, going on dates, talking, laughing and exchanging sexually transmitted diseases in Paris, France.
by simonsdrum
This article is owned by <a href=”http://www.mediafiends.com/”>MediaFiends.com & may not be reproduced without permission.
Ah, Paris. Home of the Eiffel Tower, romance, wine, croissants, cheese and Jerry Lewis. The French have taught us that no matter how bad one’s body odor is, one could still find love and romance.
We start off this season with what ABC Bachelor producers do best. A montage of clips chronicling all previous Bachelor seasons. It’s a quick recap of all the failures and break ups. Host Chris tries to salvage this bit by showing the show’s successes; Lord Byron and Virgin Mother Mary for example. They are getting married this summer. Which is perfect timing as Lord Byron is set to film the remake of Grizzly Adams. The beard?!!! And of course, we see Trish and Ryan and the televised wedding which resulted in a number of people blowing their brains out. No wonder she was the first one voted off “Dancing With The Stars” – 1st season.
Clips of Paris go by and we meet our bachelor. Holy French Fries!!! This guy is burning my hamburger. He is hot!! And he’s a doctor! So many medical jokes! So little time! There is nothing wrong with him. He saves lives, plays football in the park with his friends, has a dog and he runs on the beach. Are those man boobies?? Finally, a flaw! Anyway, he’s off to Paris to meet the woman of his dreams; because he’s already banged all the hot nurses at the hospital.
Dr. Hunk arrives in Paris, and hopes he can get around not knowing the French language. He decides to let his extraordinary good looks do the talking.
Recap montage – Commercial break.
We come back to the girls arriving in Paris. They tour the city and see the Eiffel Tower. One girl comments that the Tower is bigger than the one in Vegas. She knows this because she just left Vegas where she quit her job as a stripper and whore.
“Oh my God, It’s Huge!” One of the girls commented as they pull into the chateau to meet Dr. Hunk. Unfortunately, she was commenting on the chateau Dr. Hunk is staying in and not Dr. Hunk himself. We won’t get to judge on that until the obligatory hot tub segment.
“There she is….Miss America!” Oh wait, I thought I was watching something else. What is with the beauty pageant dresses and hair?
There is a Susan, 3 Sarah’s, one planet, Jihad, a NUB from Boston, an NBA dancer, a Princess, rapper, and a few girls named after boys. Each one tries to impress Dr. Hunk with a few remarks, cleavage and super-white smiles. ABC producers are outraged at the bill they received for all the tubs of Vaseline the girls used on their teeth.
Host Chris comes out and asks Dr. Hunk how does he feel meeting 25 crazy bimbos. Dr. Hunk explains that he is so ready to go inside, meet them and banged them all later. Host Chris tells him that he has one single rose at the party to give to a girl. It’s a guaranteed hook up. Dr. Hunk can’t wait.
Dr. Hunk enters the party and the girls are dumbstruck. Not one of them had a “john” that looked that good. He tells the girls that he’s a doctor and the girls immediately tell him that their genital herpes is acting up. Allie G., also a doctor goes into a blind rage of hormones. Her eggs are rotting so bad that the other girls comment on the smell. Although, they are unsure whether it’s Allie’s eggs or the French cheese that is being served at the party.
Some of the bimbos get to sit alone with Dr. Hunk at the party and talk. During her alone time, Kristen makes Dr. Hunk close his eyes before she takes off her shirt and gives him a shot glass. She wants her and Dr. Hunk to have a “shot” at each other. Dr. Hunk is all onboard -there is nothing easier than a drunk girl in Europe. Meanwhile, a smelly French waiter brings in the rose for all the girls to salivate over. They all eyeball it as if Dr. Hunk grew it out of his butt.
Dr. Hunk realizes that this whole situation is difficult for the skanks. It requires a double digit IQ which none of the girls have, and they only get 10-15 minutes to impress him. Dr. Hunk says that a tryst with each girl in the closet would take at least twenty minutes to do that.
When Dr. Hunk comes in and tells the pack of hounds what’s behind the rose, the girls go coo-coo for cocoa puffs. But nobody beats Allie in the crazy department and she corners Dr. Hunk to sell him on the whole doctor with doctor experience. Yvonne, the loud mouth from Miami interrupts the conversation to try and sell the doc on the whole doctor with stripper experience. But she waits until Ali G finishes. Which is a good thing, because Ali G lets us know that she is ready to move to the next phase – “the reproductive phase.” Brilliant! There is not a television writer anywhere that is not wishing he came up with that line. Miami Loud Mouth lightens things up by telling Dr. Hunk she is in a phase too – the “let’s just do it” phase. Dr. Hunk agrees.
Dr. Hunk continues to talk with the women and decides to give the first rose of the night to Sarah B. She was the Canadian that arrived last. Dr. Hunk liked her because she arrived with a 12-pack of Canadian beer.
Host Chris comes in and announces that it is time for the first rose ceremony. Canada Sarah is safe. She got the first rose and the first lay.
Dr. Hunk gives a nice hooky speech about how he is the luckiest guy in the world to be in Paris, hooking up with 12 gorgeous, cheap and easy sluts. The girls are thinking they are the luckiest in the world to be in Paris hooking up with someone that is not going to give them a new venereal disease. The roses go to:
Cole – (my nickname in high school – don’t know why)
Moana – spelled wrong
Jennifer
Elizabeth
Shiloh – Isn’t she in a Neil Diamond song?
Jehan – Jihad
Susan
Sarah S. – from Nashville (frontrunner)
Shot glass Kristen
The rejected woman say their goodbyes, however, Reproductive Allie goes into a tirade. She’s dedicated her life to herself and now she wants to get married and have kids; and yet, Dr. Hunk didn’t want that. “HE MUST BE PUNISH!!!! HE MUST DIE A SLOW AND EASY DEATH!!!” The other rejects try to calm Allie down, but there is no avail. She storms up to Dr. Hunk to demand answers: “Why didn’t you pick me? Am I too short? Are my boobs too small? Is it the fact that I already have a voodoo doll in your image in my purse and I’m willing to use it at anytime if you turn me down? Is it the fact that I will hunt you down and cut you into tiny little pieces so I can put you in my jewelry box and keep you there forever?
Dr. Hunt has no words for Allie except that he wants to get laid more before heading into the reproductive phase. Allie walks off in frustration mumbling that she is not going to date anymore and join a convent. This is good because after that reproductive speech, she is going to be alone anyway.
Dr. Hunt returns to the skanks he picked and they proceed to celebrate by drinking champagne and playing a round of “doctor”.
Next week – the girls performed oral exams for Dr. Hunk.
Email me.
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LOGIN
Eliminated HGs
Nominated 7/6 by Janelle & Jase
Voted out 8-2 on 7/13
Alison's IMDB
Nominated 7.14 by Kaysar.
BB Slop 7.14
Voted out 8-2 on 7.20
HoH 7/6
Nominated 7/24 by James after PoV
Voted out 9-0 7/27
Jase's IMDB
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