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Posted by: simonsdrum on Sep 04, 2003 - 03:01 AM
Television
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I could tell you the million excuses that I was coming up with as to why I didn’t write a recap of last week’s Cupid. “I had a hot date with one of the loser finalists.” “I was holding a conference with my intelligent peers on the trials and tribulations of reality television shows and what effect if any they have on society.” “I was drunk.” But whatever excuse I come up with, I didn’t worry about my fellow Americans, they still voted for Lil Swartzenegger and I got to watch a re run of “Sixteen Candles” on another channel.
By WendyB
www.MediaFiends.com
This article is owned by MediaFiends.com & may not be reproduced without permission.
Yes, the real reason why I didn’t captivated you with a rousing recap last week was because I pushed the wrong button on the VCR and then turned the channel to watch “Sixteen Candles.” I’ve watched this movie three million times and yet I can never turn the channel when it comes on. Why are there scenes added into the movie that are on television but not on the videotape? Like the one where you see Jake Ryan reading Sam’s sex quiz note in the lunchroom. It’s right after Sam tells her friend that she sure hopes whoever is reading it doesn’t know it’s her who wrote it. “I would Sh** twice and die!” John Hughes should come out with a DVD trilogy of “Sixteen Candles”, “Pretty in Pink” and “The Breakfast Club”. Put in a commentary, deleted scenes, outtakes and sell it for $80 bucks. I would buy it. Hell, I would buy a DVD player first, and then buy it. Call it “The Lords of the Ring” (wald) Get it? Not the cleverest of titles, but the DVD idea is killer. Hmm….maybe I’m drunk now.
Back to Cupid. I was happy to see dull and boring Asian Tower go down like so many have before him in a Godzilla movie. I was not happy to see Hunk trying to “get it on” at his parents’ house with Lisa. “I want to take all your clothes off. I want to make love to you.” From what I know of Lisa, did he really need to say those things? I’m surprised she’s able to keep her legs crossed while Hunk’s around. At least she wore a longer skirt last week. But do the producers have to make her look like a cheap version of a roman goddess? What’s with the one shoulder garbs? Where’s Julius? Et Tu Brutus?
And finally on last week’s show, according to host McFaddencrest, Lisa and Lil Swartzenegger finally found some common ground. Yeah, they found out that they are both humans.
McFaddencrest gives us another montage of the guys living in the house. If they have been living there, then why do they show the guys coming into the house with their luggage every week? Anyway, we see that the guys love to tease Hunk on his prowlness; Renda comes clean about motives; and Evan either looks pissed at being there or is checking the other guys out.
After all this nonsense, McFaddencrest finally reveals the bottom three: Fratboy, Renda the Poet and Obnoxious Joe. Renda the poet is the Nikki McKibbin of Cupid. He is always in the bottom three and still survives. But it’s Obnoxious Joe that gets his arrow broken and leaves the show. Before he leaves, he gives a shout out for his buddy Evan and a push to go out with Labitch. I’m just wondering why I didn’t notice the fact that Joe had no hair in his audition and amazingly, hair throughout the show. Did I miss a perfect opportunity for a Hair Club for Men joke? So last week, Lisa traveled all over to meet the performing monkeys’ parents. This week, Lisa’s family is coming over to the boy’s house to interrogate and be entertained. Let’s see how the monkeys do.
Homo is first. I mean Evan. He decides to make Hawaiian fajitas – well Mexican fajitas with a Hawaiian flair. Evan can’t cook so instead of using his boyish charm on the parents to wow them over, he walks around, pouts and lets everyone else do all the work. Actually he wasn’t that bad. That description is according to Labitch and BK. I just thought Evan was conflicted due to the fact that he just figures out that he was more attracted to Lisa’s brother, Brian then Lisa. After the family leaves, Evan and Lisa reflect. Then they start to make out. Evan exclaims “I could kiss you all night.” Well, that’s all he wants to do because he really wants to take off all the clothes and make love to Brian.
Nikki (Renda) has the family over for salad. A neat and clever idea. How could Renda be so smart, intelligent and creative? Why he must be a pure genius!! Well, no wonder since we learned at the dinner that Renda the poet has a 4 year college degree. And just in case we didn’t know this the first time he told us, Renda repeats it at least 2 more times. But that’s not all. Renda sacrificed many things like a job, money, a place to live to earn his Magna ***** Laude 3 year street degree. Where do you go exactly to learn that? But anyway, after Renda wows the parents with his smarts, Lisa and Renda enjoy a nice splash in the backyard pool. Renda doesn’t let his massive brain get in the way while he tells Renda his brilliant plan of selling t-shirts. (Clue #1 -Hey Renda, I tried to sell t-shirts once. It had a neat design with a cool joke on it and I even built a web page selling the tees. Got the copyright for the t-shirt design. Where am I now? I sold two. One to my sister and the other to my sister’s friend. Now instead of watching TV shows, I’m writing about them) But Renda moves on and thinks it’s real cool if they threw a party in New York and had people pay money to look at them. (Clue #2-Hey Renda, nobody wants to look at you two now and we’re doing it for free) But throughout this whole date, there is one thing that we learned that shocks us all more than Renda’s 4 year college degree and 3 year street degree. It’s the fact that Dad Lisa has an advertising firm. AN ADVERTISING FIRM?!?!! Doesn’t Lisa work at an Advertising firm? HELLO?!?!? Lisa works for her DAD. I thought Lisa was smart and intellectual. I mean that’s what the Cupid producers have been telling us at the beginning of this show. How smart and intellectual do you have to be to beg for a job at an advertising firm that is owned by your Dad? (Clue #3 – Hey Renda, America is still not going to vote for you because Lisa just gave us another reason to vote for Robert)
Hunk decides to make talapeea for lunch for his date with Lisa family. Hunk believes it’s the conversation that’s more important than the meal. Oh yeah? Well then Hunk, could you have made something that I could spell? Meat and potatoes work. Hunk is ready to take on Dad Lisa. He charms, wows the family. Hey, I think even Brother Brian was trying to give him the eye. Hunk is an options trader but now is working on starting his own organic farm and vineyard. Dad Lisa is impressed. Reminds him of me, he says. Now I think Dad Lisa wants him. Dad Lisa is concerned though that he doesn’t see his baby girl living on the farm. Labitch concurs. Well, Lisa is a girl who stands on her own and has her own opinions and lets Dad Lisa know that she doesn’t want her job once she has kids. I could tell by the look on Dad Lisa’s face that he was probably thinking this “Your ass better not leave your job. I had to fire a good employee to hire your alien teeth butt.” Anyhoo, the date goes well; Hunk is so in with the family. Much like Lisa. (Bad nasty joke) Hunk gets praise, love and a few marriage proposals from Lisa’s brother and the audience before we get to the next date.
It’s Fratboy Dominic and since he just got out of diapers last week, he admits that he doesn’t know how to cook well. He burns the bratwurst hotdogs. But who cares? Fratboy is hot! He’s this year’s Ricky Martin! Besides, he has all the answers for Dad Lisa. “I think I’m ready. I think I can. I think I want to do that. I think I want a burnt hotdog. I think I want sex. I think I want Lisa. I think that a girl wants to have sex after only one kiss. I think I’m ready to get married.” No need to go into much detail with Fratboy’s date. If everyone is wondering if the date was successful, I can sum it up for you in one answer. “I think Dominic will be voted off next week.”
Last and certainly not least, it’s time for Lil Swartzenegger’s date with Lisa family. Lil S is going to make an ethnic Austrian bread soup. He doesn’t know the exact ingredients so he’s going to wing it. Robert is nervous. His dates haven’t gone well. Dad Lisa is anxious to meet him because Lil S doesn’t seem genuine in his love and affection for Lisa. So he wants to know the deal. (Hey Dad Lisa, the deal is that Lil S is a barrel of laughs the minute he opens his mouth and America wants to see more of him and if that means humiliating your daughter in the process, so be it.) But no matter because the soup is good, the conversation is good, Lil S is actually coming across as normal. In fact, after the family leaves, Lil S gives Lisa an erotic massage. It looked so professional that I think Lil S should start his own massage parlor. With the TV exposure it would rake in the bling bling. Hey, I’m starting to find Lil S attractive. Wait a minute! Beer bottle beside me is empty. I must be drunk. Yep, I’m drunk because once Lil S gets his criticism from Labitch and Lil Kim he goes into a tirade of nonsensical jabberings involving the meal, Lisa’s parents, family, love, relaxing, massage, dogs, cats, Ricky Martin. I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned the channel once I got his number (Hey, I’m still going to vote for him) and turned it to a Cheers re-run.
See ya next week – Now with a guarantee!!
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Rating
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LOGIN
Eliminated HGs
Nominated 7/6 by Janelle & Jase
Voted out 8-2 on 7/13
Alison's IMDB
Nominated 7.14 by Kaysar.
BB Slop 7.14
Voted out 8-2 on 7.20
HoH 7/6
Nominated 7/24 by James after PoV
Voted out 9-0 7/27
Jase's IMDB
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