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Posted by: dabone on Sep 02, 2003 - 05:29 PM
Television
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It’s official. “Temptation Island” season is upon us, and I don’t know what to do with myself. By early indications, this season will be worse than the previous two, thus enhancing the quality of this article. These couples aren’t very attractive, one of the guys is flat out ugly, we get to see even more scantily clad women (and guys, if you’re into that sort of thing), more people hooking up, more girlfriends crying when seeing their boyfriend paying attention to another girl even though they’re doing the same thing themselves, and the host Mark Wahlberg, sitting back and enjoying the fact he’s ruining couples futures together. What a world we live in. You can’t beat that type of smut.
Here we go…..
By Dabone
www.MediaFiends.com
This article is owned by MediaFiends.com & may not be reproduced without permission.
.....Just to let a few of you know beforehand, along with this column coming out on Mondays or Tuesdays, it will also probably be shorter than other columns. Too many different names, too many different couples, and I need to develop some interaction with society. Writing three columns a week once “The Bachelor” starts for free isn’t really helping matters.
-Let’s start off by saying Mark Walberg has apparently replaced Bob Barker as the greatest game show host ever. This is the third one I’ve seen him on in the last year. Right before “Temptation Island” started, “Anything for Love” was on. And good ol’ Marky was hosting that one. No, not the “once-rapper-turned-respected-actor” Mark Walberg, the other Mark Walberg. “Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch” was one of the more underrated groups of the 90’s. I just liked the whole “Marky” mixed in with “Funky”, and they were a bunch. Hence, “Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.” That bunch lasted about as long as “C & C’s Music Factory” did. Maybe they should’ve switched their names. “Marky Mark and the Music Factory”. “C & C and the Funky Bunch.” See. Sounds good. Hey, was the girl in the background for C & C who repeated, “Things That make you go Hmmm” the same girl that sang “It’s such a…..good vibration….It’s such a….sweeeeeeeeet sensation?” I think so.
-Ok, here are the couples we’ll be laughing at this season…..
Melissa & Michael- They’re from New York and have been together 2 years. She’s like Miss New York or something, and he’s a jarhead. Not an attractive guy who’s got s*** for brains, has a lisp, looks like “Stifler”, and wears yellow tank tops. And oh yeah, Michael still lives with mommy. Yeah, he’s ready to settle down. Oh boy.
Kristin & Eric- They’ve been together for 3 years, and are from Farmville, Virginia. Let me repeat that. They’re from Farmville, Virginia. Not quite the suburbanites I was hoping for.
Stephanie & Anthony- Been together 3 years, they live in Chicago, and they resemble Catherine & What’s-his-face from “Temptation Island 2”. Both guys are the suave, Latin type guys that all the girls will swoon over. But Stephanie doesn’t have the cans that Catherine had. But both naturally pretty.
Kara & Jason- By far the most interesting couple of the four. Been together a year, and they live in Vegas. She needs a nose job, and he’s covered in tattoos. And he’s on roids. And he thinks he’s Eminem. Although her beak hasn’t prevented Kara from doing some pin-up modeling for some skin rag calendar. True love these two, I tell ya’.
-As these couples are getting off the boat and boarding the island, Marky Mark is there greeting them. “Hi, I’m Mark.” No s***? And this whole time, I was figuring these couples were kidnapped, flown across country to be followed by camera crews 24 hours a day without their knowledge. Why is Mark introducing himself to these people? Uh, I think they know who you are Walberg. And while they’re getting off the boat, they have a voice over of one of the girls saying, “I can’t see him hooking up with anybody or getting to know anyone else.” We didn’t know the couples well enough at this time for me to distinguish which chick said that, but whoever it was, she’s an idiot. Only the p***ywhipped Tony from last season would go on a show like this without an open mind. Remember Tony and his dominating girlfriend? Yeah, that one. The one that had enough of the show and proposed to him. And he said “yes.” I’m glad this show changed their lives. I’m sure she won’t be too suffocating after about, oh, 5 minutes or so. I wonder if in their wedding pictures, they actually showed the noose around Tony’s neck. Curious.
-Commercial. Movie called “Underworld” is coming out shortly. Oh my God! “Ben” from “Felicity” is in it! He’s actually advanced his career since Felicity dumped him. Or did she keep him? That whole final episode confused me. And why did they have to make her friend die? Why do that to us? That wasn’t nice. Anyway, Scott Speedman is now in some scary movie. That’s gotta be a tough role for him. Last time I checked, you needed to show emotion in scary movies. This could be Academy Award winning if he can pull this off.
-Back to the show, we get to see our first twist of the season. All the single girls have seen a video of all the guys, and now they must give each girl a trinket to show that their boyfriend made the biggest impression on them. One girl got seven trinkets, one girl got four, and the other got three. No one put a trinket on Melissa meaning, well, her boyfriend’s ugly. Shocker. Apparently Michael’s New York accent and yellow tank tops didn’t wow the ladies. Another shocker.
-Time for the guys to do the same thing, and we get our first confrontation of the season. Now, is it just me, or was there something very “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” about seeing one male putting a bracelet on another male? That creeped me out. Should’ve had them high five the guy who’s girlfriend they wanted to bone. Or give a fist knock. I hope that’s the last time I see a man give another man a bracelet on national television.
So anyway, one of the single guys, who we’ll call “Guido”, walks up to Jason to give him a bracelet, as Jason reaches, he pulls it away, and gives it to another guy. Translation: Your girl is beat. I don’t want her. Jason is so offfended by this, he says nothing. Kinda just sits there with a “I’m-seconds-away-from-a-roid-rage” look on his face. Very scary. Jason looks like he can kill someone with his pinky.
-And I didn’t keep track of which guys gave which bracelet to which boyfriend. All I know is that Jason didn’t get a bracelet. Translation: Your girl is beat. WE ALL don’t want her. When she comes back, she says to Jason, “I didn’t get one.” Jason mumbles a few things, tries to comfort her, but to no avail. She looks like she’s about to cry. Maybe Kara and Michael should hook up, since none of the single people want them. That’s gotta be devastating. Going on national television to hook up with other guys and girls, and based off a first impression, none of them want you. Well, it’s like your parents always told you, “Never judge a book by it’s cover.” Unless she has a giant nose, or he wears yellow tank tops, has a lisp, and talks with that oh-so intelligent sounding New York accent.
-Melissa’s worried about Michael. “I hope he didn’t have his feelings hurt.” Don’t worry, Melissa. He didn’t. This’ll just make him want to go after every chick with even more aggression since they all think he’s a dog. Why do I get this feeling that Michael will be the most wanted guy by the end of this thing? He’ll get sympathy sex from one of these chicks. Or two. Or three. If he’s smart, which is debatable at this point, he’s definitely gotta play up the “Awwww-Shucks-no-one-wants-me” angle.
-So they introduce all these single people, and none of them blow you away. Couple hotties. Couple decent looking guys. Combined IQ of 67. But they parade these people around for exactly who they are. Pieces of meat. I don’t have time to list all 30 single people. In fact, I don’t remember ¾ of them. There are a couple that stuck out though.
Ashley- hot.
Kelly Anne- hot.
Corie- not hot. Definitely the odd one out of this group. I guess we could call her “Mother Corie”.
-After they parade all these hookers and strippers and wannabe actresses in front of these guys, Jason utters the quote of the night. “I shouldn’t be threatened by any of these girls, because none of them look like Kara.” You’re right, Jason. They don’t. They’re ten times hotter than your woman. Now don’t freak out Jason. It’s not all about looks. Its what’s on the inside that counts. I don’t need you killing me with a cue ball and a sock.
-Kara thinks Jason is having the worst time. Jason’s pretty whipped in case you can’t tell. He doesn’t seem to be taking to the whole “you’re-on-an-island-with-fourteen-single-girls-whose-only-goal-is-to-get-you-to-sleep-with-them” concept. Apparently, he wasn’t informed of what this show was about. Dude, Jason are you gay? Women are going to be throwing themselves at you for the next 2 weeks. Your girlfriend is on the other side of the island getting hammered by other guys. It’s your turn now. Don’t worry, man. Trust me. She’ll never find out.
-So each guy and girl must give a necklace to a single skank that they think is the most threatening to their mate. Uneventful once again. I don’t know who gave who what necklace, nor do I care to rewind the tape and remember. However, since Jason got punked from Guido, he figured he’d return the favor by walking up to him and faking like he would tackle him or something. Oooohhh, tough guy. Guido, shockingly enough, did not urinate on himself. He kinda stood there laughing. Sweet. These two genuinely don’t like each other, and that’s a good thing. I want someone beat to a pulp on this show. We have potential here. Then Jason can head to jail and be with guys who would love to give him a bracelet.
-These eight people were then booted from the show. Or so we thought. In the first twist of the show, Marky Mark tells everyone these eight people will now get the first dates with each person’s loved one. I think Jason had an aneurysm at this point. Next week’s episode shows him watching clips of the date with Guido and Kara, and him calling her a b****. It’s getting good already. I hope the other three couples spice things up though. Jason can’t possibly hold my interest this long. Let the cheating begin……
-Final Note: Due to my departure this Thursday night to Las Vegas, I will not have a review of “Temptation Island 3” next week. I mean, I really, really, really would love nothing more than to stay home on Thursday night and write a review instead of going to “Rum Jungle”. No, seriously I would. But I won’t. Drinks and females await. Hey, aren’t Jason and Kara from Vegas? Maybe I’ll run into them. Let’s hope not.
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