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Posted by: simonsdrum on Aug 14, 2003 - 02:28 PM
Television
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Lisa is smart and has a great advertising job. She’s beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, easy-going and has a set of teeth on her so white, she can use them to steer boats in offshore. So why is she still single and on Cupid looking for true love with the help of her (supposedly) good friends? Well……Lisa’s a skank.
By WendyB
www.MediaFiends.com
This article is owned by MediaFiends.com & may not be reproduced without permission.
Hey, I’m not bitter. And I certainly don’t want to trade places with Lisaskank. That is her friend Kim. But what can you say about a woman who says after 8 dates with 8 different guys that she absolutely “loves” them. “I had a great time with you.” “I can’t wait to see what you are going to do or say next.” If I was Lisa and when she’s out with Hunk, I do wish I were her, I would start narrowing the field down a bit. At least to let America know which one she wants us to vote for. Otherwise, Lisaskank better plan for more dates with Lil Swartzenegger who I’m beginning to suspect is a plant by the show’s producers. But before I delve into his date which I could write several pages on, let’s begin with the opening of the show and the latest loser to be dumped on national television.
It’s heartbreaking. It’s sad. It’s pretty shameful. But for the average television viewer, it is a barrel of monkey laughs. Yes, Doormat Scott who last week prided himself on what a fabulous kisser he is received the lowest number of votes and thus had his heart, his kisser and his cupid’s arrow broken. You have to hand it to Doormat though; his final speech included kind words for the other guys and kind words for Lisaskank. He left with enough dignity that even Lisaskank said that she would like to be friends with him. It was the first sign of many to come of Lisa’s skankitude.
McFaddencrest reminds us that even though America found Doormat to be a total loser and thus voted him off the show, we can still win a date with him by going to Match.com. I don’t rush to sign up because I’m holding out for Lil Swartzenegger. I know that once he sees me, he will fall instantly in love with me, sing karoke and then proceed to cry like a baby. I’m getting ahead of myself; his date is much later in the show.
McFaddencrest gives us the set-up behind the rest of the dates. We’ve seen the guys at their best so now we need to see them at their worst. So the show’s producers keep them up all night long so they can be sleep-deprived, have them buy an outfit for Lisa to wear and take her somewhere appropriate. This is supposed to be at their worst?!?!! I can think of about a 100 things they can do to let Lisaskank see these performing monkeys at their worst. Being on the show counts as one of them.
First date is Asian Tower. He’s been the most boring of the pack and was even on the chopping block two weeks in a row. But tonight he redeems himself somewhat. Sleep deprivation works for him. He’s relaxed, funny and with the exception of a bra mishap does all right for himself. Lisaskank and him share a dessert and talk of stuff that I can’t remember because this was about the time I went to get a drink. Asian Tower may have redeemed himself but he’s still boring. Anyway, Labitch and B.K. loved him. They said a lot of nice things about him but I don’t remember any of them because I was too caught up in trying to figure out how Labitch could wear that camisole thing and not have her nipples show. Where were they? I want an internal investigation into this matter. And B.K. must have thought she was going to an 80’s club instead of the Live Cupid show. She was channeling Debbie Gibson. I know this because I could hear the “foolish beat” of my heart. (inside 80’s reference)
Swarmy Evan has a casual date planned. So he goes out and buys Lisa a casual outfit. Ever the gentlemen, he tries on the panties before purchase and says that if the bra sticks out, that’s okay. The outfit is a little small and Lisa looks uncomfortable constantly adjusting it over her breasts. But Lisaskank gets over it quickly. Much like she does on all her dates with this guy. I don’t get it. He acts like an ass, a player but yet he still gets the tail. Labitch sees through him and doesn’t think he’s ready to get married but B.K. thinks there is hope for him.
Can I just break from the dates recap to vent for a brief moment about these two friends, Labitch and B.K. All night long it was contracdicting statements back and forth. One minute they like the guy in the spotlight. The next, they hate him. And can Labitch get anymore loud and obnoxious? Every time she opened her mouth, I had to turn down the volume of my television. Every time she talked, she seemed to be trying to outwit her previous comments. At one point, she even asked Lisaskank “what am I doing here then?” Believe me Labitch, all of America is asking the same thing.
Okay, back to the dates. Fratboy Dominic is up. He looks tired. He looks sleepy. He looks dreamy. He buys Lisaskank some pajamas and then takes her to a hotel room so they can lounge around and hang out. For some reason, I’m beginning to hear 70’s porno music in my head. Oh wait, Fratboy and Lisaskank start rolling around on the bed. There’s the reason for the porno music. B.K. tells Fratboy that last week he took Lisaskank to a bar and this week to a hotel room. He must want to have sex with Lisaskank rather than get married to her. Newsflash to B.K. I think the sex has already happened.
Playwright Paul tries to redeem Lisaskank from the hotel sex romp date, so he takes her out for a formal dinner. I have to hand it to Playwright Paul; he sure does clean up pretty decent. Where’s the white outfit from his audition? I miss that Saturday Night Fever look he had going on. But it doesn’t matter because I’m sure he will be eliminated before we are down to 5 guys. But, once again, Lisa “loves him” and hopes that he sticks around. I’m sure she wants everyone to stick around.
Even Renda the poet, who is up next. Renda does something different and takes her to a spa. Another news flash! Didn’t Obnoxious Joe take Lisaskank out on a first date to get a pedicure and massage? Anyway, the only thing I found interesting about this date is Renda proclaiming himself gifted as a kid. Too bad he grew up.
Again, I just don’t get it. But Lisaskank and her friends really really really really really like this guy. Even B.K. says that if things don’t work out between him and Lisaskank, then she has a few friends she can hook him up with. Umm, B.K., we are trying to marry off your friend Lisaskank on national television first. Why don’t you worry about your friends later, perhaps during sweeps week.
It’s the date that everyone has been waiting for. Lil Swartzenegger. I could write pages upon pages on this guy’s date, but when the camera pans to him, he actually looks a bit humbled so I will reserve a few jokes for later use. Lil Swartzenegger goes shopping for Lisa’s outfit. First up is lingerie. To make sure he purchases the right kind of panties, Lil Swartzenegger smells them first. You know when I see a guy doing that in a department store, it makes me want to call my Mom right away and say “Mom, I’ve found the man of my dreams!” Next, Lil Swartzenegger picks out a dress or a shirt. I’m not sure, but I do know the last time I saw that gold-colored fabric it was in medieval times. I guess to go with the medieval look, Lil Schwartzenegger tops the outfit off with a pair of mirrored shoes. How ingenious! Not only can Lil Schwartzenegger be able to look up Lisaskank’s dress with her shoes, Lisa can look up her own dress as well. Lil Schwartzenegger and Lisa sit and have a bite to eat. Where? It doesn’t matter because the next thing you know, Lil Schwartzenegger is tearing up. Then he’s crying. Finally, he starts bawling. Through the tears, he says that he is doing everything wrong, he needs to open up, he is just so in love with her, blah blah blah blah blah. Lisaskank looks uncomfortable and doesn’t know what to do. No wonder since around this time on her other dates, she’s usually making out with the guy. B.K. thinks the date was a vast improvement from the others. Labitch thinks he’s a little desperate. Just a little? Well don’t cry for Lil Schwartzenegger just yet, because Lisa gives him a few encouraging words. Plus, isn’t his dad running for California governor?
The show’s producers once again have Hunk’s date after Lil Schwartzenegger’s. I guess so America can see the good after the bad and before the ugly. (Obnoxious Joe is after Hunk). Hunk picks a nice black dress for Lisaskank so he can take her to a romantic dinner in a nice place. Damn, Hunk looks good in his suit. During dinner, we find out his favorite meal is cow tongue and that he can see himself spending the rest of his life with Lisaskank. He was dying to kiss her on the first date and then there is some kissing. No tongue of course being that Hunk is the ultimate Prince Charming. Nor is there cow tongue. Because of this, Labitch doesn’t think they have passion. Probably because Labitch’s idea of passion involves no clothes and a video camera. But everyone else adores him. I’m not voting for him though because this is the guy I want to win a date with on Match.com.
Last and certainly least is obnoxious Joe. I have to cut out some of the taunts to Joe. Like Playwright Paul, he cleans up pretty decent. I’ve almost forgotten that stomach turning first date with the feet. Joe takes Lisa on a gondola ride. Venice tradition states that while riding a gondola, when you go under a bridge, you kiss. Well, that’s not a problem for Lisaskank who’s been horning it up all night. Joe asks her if Lisaskank feels comfortable marrying him. I bet she would feel more comfortable just sleeping with him.
It’s now time for the phone numbers and a recap of all the dates we have seen tonight. Ironically, the biggest cheers from the audience come when Lil Schwartzenegger is shown and then Hunk. What a contrast. What a show! What a skank! What a night.
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Eliminated HGs
Nominated 7/6 by Janelle & Jase
Voted out 8-2 on 7/13
Alison's IMDB
Nominated 7.14 by Kaysar.
BB Slop 7.14
Voted out 8-2 on 7.20
HoH 7/6
Nominated 7/24 by James after PoV
Voted out 9-0 7/27
Jase's IMDB
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