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Posted by: simonsdrum on Jul 31, 2003 - 06:16 PM
Television
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Why do I feel the need to take a shower? Maybe it’s because I just finished watching “Cupid”. I’ve got that creepy feeling in the pit of my stomach, much like when I attend a friend’s bachelorette party that has a cheap ugly sweaty male stripper. I don’t want to put my dollar in his g-string. But I will just to play along.
By WendyB
www.MediaFiends.com
This article is owned by MediaFiends.com & may not be reproduced without permission.
Much like this show, I don’t really want to watch, but I will, just to play along. I love the fact that I have the power to control Lisa’s love life. After whittling down the guys to 10, Cupid changed formats for the show. There is now a studio audience, a dopey host (Bryan McFadden), 3 judges (Lisa, Labitch and bitter Kim), and the 10 Idol contestants, I mean guys lined up on stage. Just like American Idol, each guy performs (dates), judges’ hand out the comments and grips, and based on that, we vote for the guy that we think Lisa should end up marrying. The performing monkey, (guy) who has the least amount of votes is kicked off never to be heard from ever again. My only question is “Where’s Chuck Woolerly?”
McFaddencrest, who seems to be interviewing for a news anchor position, tells us that each guy had two hours to go out to the street, raise money and take Lisa on a date with the money they earned. This will show Lisa how resourceful and creative the guy is. Actually it showed us how idiotic and dumb the producers are coming up with this idea.
Renda, the street hustler is up first. He puts on an Afro wig and claims himself the “Afro poet.” There are several things wrong with this picture. First and foremost, his Afro wig sets back generations of wanna be Huggy Bears. The fact that Renda lists his profession as street hustler and can only raise $47.24 is another cause for concern. Finally, I hate to break the news to Renda but very few people buy poetry so what does he smoke to think that people will pay to hear it?
On his date, Renda buys an Afro wig for Lisa, a referee shirt like his and they go out and eat hot dogs. The concept, Renda explains is for Lisa to have fun on the date. He even gives her a zerbert. A noisy wet kiss on the cheek. Lisa giggles, America barfs. Well, I do at least. Afterwards Labitch and bitter Kim chime in with their comments. Labitch receives her comment lessons from the Bitter School of Royal Bitches University. She only gives out compliments to the guys she wants for herself. Bitter Kim tries to be nice, i.e. Paula Abdul but the bitterness shows too much. Is she bitter because Lisa has America picking the man of her dreams? Because she can do no better than Renda? Because Lisa is better looking? Because Lisa has teeth so white, space astronauts can see them?
Ken, a.k.a Asian tower (Damn this guy is tall!) makes paper roses to sell for his date. He makes 86.28. Pretty good. But does he use his earnings for a creative date with Lisa? Nah. He takes her to a winery where they get a long boring tour and then a long boring dinner. Lisa is bored. Labitch and Bitter Kim are bored. America is bored. And yet, we only see two minutes of the date! Ken is asked not to try so hard next time. If I’m right, there won’t be a next time.
Hunk is next up. I mean Hank. This guy could take me to the bathroom and I’d marry him. He’s hot, sweet, and like the cinnamon bun I had this morning, ready to eat. Okay, I just hit the stale quota for clever writing. But I don’t get paid for this so who cares. Hunk does a pretty good George Bush impression and makes $60.38 on the street for his date. Hunk takes her on a picnic. He’s charming, humble and almost kisses her but doesn’t. “I’m such a geek.” he claims. Hunk??!! Well, then, GEEKS RULE!!! Labitch, bitter Kim and Lisa all want to do him. I want to do him. America wants to do him. I’m going to vote for him just because I want to see him throughout the show. But I’m hoping that he kicks it before the end. Lisa doesn’t deserve him.
Evan, the guy who last week tried to get all the ladies to see on his lap manages to earn a whopping $9.00 for his date with Lisa. He takes Lisa to the beach, acts like an ass and buries her. Afterwards they shared a kiss. The first guy to get Lisa in a lip-lock! What the hell?! He acts like an ass in the audition, acts like an ass at the pool party, and acts like an ass on his date and Lisa likes it. I guess with beauty, brains and extraordinary white teeth, you can still be a dumb ass.
I called Joe obnoxious last week and he still has it. For his earnings of $51.60 he gave out hugs. Loud and boisterous walking up to people and screaming for hugs from strangers. I would give him a dollar just to go away. He takes Lisa to get a pedicure. Not to dwell too much into my personal life, but I have a thing about feet. I give myself a pedicure often because I want my feet to be nice and pretty. But I don’t like people touching my feet and I certainly don’t like touching others feet. So this whole minute of watching Joe massage Lisa’s feet then eat a large pizza with his hands made me want to barf again. Wasn’t Renda’s zerbert enough?!?!! To top it all off, Joe spends over his limit. He cheated!!! But the ladies like him anyway. Go figure.
Doormat Scott is next. Labitch tells him that she sees him as the male best friend. Nothing special, just a nice guy who would make a great pal. But I like Scott. Kind of cute, dorky, smart and most of all normal. How can you not like a guy who takes some foam sticks, a bucket and a sign advertising “Beat the crap out of me for a dollar!” Genius!!!
Doormat is followed by my favorite person. Lil Swartzenegger. He only makes $40.25 by modeling his physique and exercising. “Hey everyone, look at my muscles!” He takes Lisa to a carnival. They hardly talk. Probably because Lil Swartzenegger can’t say more than two sentences at a time. The chemistry is not there. Even when Lil Swartzenegger points out a sailboat to Lisa. “They’re sailing,” he says. Good observation Lil S! How about observing how well the date is going. It’s painful to watch and quite sad. Or is it sad that I am actually voting for him to stay? Or is it sad that when I did vote, a couple of times the line was busy? I just hope he stays for the entertainment value alone. Lisa needs a dumb muscle-bound guy in her life. Just like California needs a dumb muscle-bound guy to run for governor.
Frat boy Dominic gives massages to strangers and earns $68.42 for his date to the zoo. He’s a young hot sweetie pie who likes to skip. Lisa and Dominic have a great time before he leaves to make curfew.
Rob sings opera and makes $95.43 for a date. WOW! He made the most money. Too bad when he took Lisa to a sushi bar and spends all his money on food and drinks and then doesn’t tip the waiter. Ouch! He should have cheated like Obnoxious Joe. But it doesn’t really matter because this guy is so forgettable, I can’t come up with any jokes for him.
Not so for Paul the playwright. He plays guitar and sings for his $43.08. I hate it when people sing to me. You have to keep constant eye contact and smile big and act like you like it. But in reality, you can’t wait until they’re done so you can look away and perhaps turn on a tv. Apparently Lisa doesn’t like this either but Paul does it on their picnic date in the park. I figure she would love to be sung too since it will show off her alien white teeth.
Wrapping up, the 10 guys pick who they think should be voted off. There is an almost unanimous vote for Lil Swartzenegger. NO!!!!!!!!! I cried. Everyone must vote him to stay because I’m sure once you get through the seven layers of muscles, you will find a guy with seven more layers of muscles.
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Eliminated HGs
Nominated 7/6 by Janelle & Jase
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BB Slop 7.14
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Voted out 9-0 7/27
Jase's IMDB
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