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Lauren’s work at LA Fashion Week leads to a career opportunity but she’s torn between her job & Jason. Whitney leaves LA for the summer.
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Posted by: Tara From Texas on Jul 03, 2003 - 12:43 PM
Television
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Yeah, I knew I’d get a few Y chromosomes with that title. What IS it with men and women fighting? Yes, there was a girl fight on the show, but first I have to relate a story that is still pretty baffling to me. My husband of three years announces to me last week that he knows (KNOWS?) that I have definitely had a moment in my life when I have craved a little girl-on-girl action. Stunned, I ask him how he KNOWS this.
By Tara from Texas
www.MediaFiends.com
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He makes blithe reference to my discussions with my friend Liz where we play the game, “If I were a lesbian.” All we do is we talk about who we’d be into - - I’m a Drew girl (awesome attitude) but she likes Angelina (a bit too pre-fab for me, and the Billy Bob issue is tough for me to get past.) But, as any rigorously heterosexual woman knows, this is normal girl talk. It doesn’t MEAN anything. If I were really confronted with another naked woman, I would much rather discuss Nikki Ziering’s latest article in US Weekly, than make a grab for her ta-tas. For me, it’s all about attitude: I’m so sick of the mamby-pamby, bow-to-Madison-Avenue type women. Any well-raised Southern woman knows that good posture and the right attitude can take you ridiculously far, so enough with the I’m-not-perfect-enough thing already. I am all for the "God didn't make no mistakes on me" spirit. And for your information, I could only type that phrase, not say it, since I am white, blonde, and blue-eyed. It would just be funny.
When I calmly explain the non-seriousness of this game to him, he basically says I’m wrong. He is absolutely, 100% convinced that I am either lying or in denial. I decide to let it go, chalking it up to one of those Mars/Venus things, until I was in the City on Saturday and the whole metropolis was gearing up for the Gay Pride parade. And lo and behold, there are REAL lesbians there, not the Sharon-Stone-in-Basic-Instinct-type lesbians that I think hubby is picturing, but the beer-gut-short-hair-Birkenstocks-wearing kind of lesbians. THIS is what girl-on-girl is, honey. And it ain’t pretty.
Ok, now to the show. We start again with a once-over of the pad, and I notice (must’ve missed this yesterday) that their name, The Dappers, is written inside the silhouette of some sort of sports car. I would tell you what kind of sports car, but I’m not Tina Fabulous. We find out that the girls are about to have to do the bad tasks so that one bad fact about them won’t be revealed - - one will have to sniff Reba twice and offer her her deodorant, one will have to scream twice, jump on a chair twice, and pretend to see a mouse, and one will have to kiss mom twice and tell her she loves her.
They are doing dinner in shifts, and Chelsea/ Barbarella is up first. She does the kiss mom twice and tell her she loves her bit. Good work. BTW, I am now thinking that she is probably too flat for Playboy (wouldn’t know for sure, since my knowledge of who’s in Playboy is limited to what I read in the gossip rags) but is still pretty. Kind of high-maintenance, though, with all that hair and funky make-up. Nothing a reality-show makeover can’t cure.
Ana’s eating with Reba next. She does her bit, but forgets to jump on the chair twice. Mom comments that now she thinks Ana’s wackier than Barb.
Finally, Chauntal is up. She’s sort of the sluttier looking of the three; more Hustler than Playboy, and she does the whole thing with the deodorant. BUT, she forgets to sniff twice. Ha ha!
The whole fam plus girls are in the kitchen when the fax rings and Dad reads that the girls had to do the weird things that happened. Mom seems pretty relieved. Then Dad reads the girls’ bad facts that have to be revealed.
Chauntal, on at least three different occasions, left her employers and walked away without telling anyone. She denies that she’s ever left a job. Dad says it’s irresponsible, since he owns a business himself. Ana wrote profanities all over the walls of an ex-boyfriend’s room in college. Denies it.
Now, here’s where things get funny. Dad congratulates Chelsea on doing well, but says something to the effect that, darn, they won’t get to find out what her fact was, and one of the other girls screeches, “It’s worse!” Clearly, all Barbarella has to do is deny it calmly and switch subjects. The right sort of girl could pull this off, but Barb’s not that kind. She (stupid, stupid, stupid!) offers to say what her fact was – that she once won money in a “Sexy Girl” contest at some dive of a bar and danced in only her underwear, or something like that. She tries to explain that it’s just some “stupid club” and she really needed the money. “But I didn’t take my clothes off! I would never do that. Like, never.”
Marco is laughing. Chauntal says, “Maybe it was a different time.” Chelsea shoots her the dagger-iest look she can muster.
Commercial. My brother-in-law, who’s over from Sweden and staying with us this summer, switches to I’m With Busey. We see Gary Busey holding a knife on the dork kid and saying the kid is sick for not trusting him. I would like to say here that I’m a teacher, and as a teacher, I hate using the word “dork” to describe any kid. But I’m not in class, so I’ll just call a spade a spade.
Back to the show. Dad tells us that the girls think they are going to work out. Inexplicably, Ana’s wearing a skirt. Dad says that, oh no, they will not be working out per se, but participating in his favorite pastime, kickboxing. I am thinking Dad is a perv. Dad knows Chauntal and Ana want a piece of Chelsea, and vice versa, and I notice he didn’t bring Reba along on this little jaunt. Marco’s there, too.
Ana and Hustler girl start. Marco is loving this. Ana handily whoops Hustler girl’s butt and gets to go for Barbarella.
Ana says Chelsea looks like Hannibal Lector. They both do, come to think of it, what with the head gear and all. You know, the part where he makes that slurping sound that should NOT turn me on. I will stop there to avoid grossing anyone out. Anyway. Chelsea was, according to Marco, “Pissed and vicious.” Ana says, “She just went, like, psycho.” These girls have now beaten Kirsten for overall useless addition of the word “like” to conversations. Chelsea keeps moving toward her, swinging. They added sound effects and Rocky music. We get to round three and Ana comes back and wins again. Chelsea says, “I was like, ‘No, I should’ve won.’”
Dad gives Ana a prize of—whoopee—a picture of Marco.
Now we get to some one-on-one dates. First up are Ana and Marco. Mom and Dad watch via surveillance. It starts to rain and Ana’s hair frizzes out. I get pleasure in seeing these reality TV people look a little more like, you know, reality. Marco, channeling Bachelor Aaron, asks her, “What do you think about me?” Mom thinks he looks agitated as he talks to her. Ana says that Dad gives her a hard time. Marco and Ana kiss. Mom and Dad smile.
Date with Chauntal. Mom comments that he’s comfortable with her. Chauntal thinks she and Marco connected. Marco and Chauntal kiss. Mom and Dad like her. Marco says, “I’m digging her.”
Chelsea and Marco go to a wildlife sanctuary. Pet a baby lion, or some other fuzzy animal that belongs in a cage (PETA people, don’t write me. I am not changing my opinion on that one.) Mom likes how her guard is down. Chelsea feeds some fuzzy baby thing. Kiss. She is wearing a blue jacket with a blue boa.
As the parents drive away (remember, they were doing surveillance, using some cheap-ass equipment that the producers want us to believe is high-tech.) The director/producers suddenly want to be that season of Friends when they had the monkey/ chimp, because hark! Here trots a little monkey/chimp with a scroll in his hand. We are supposed to be giggling to saying this is cute or something. Try to hold back the upchuck. Then we are to believe that the jungle animal makes his way into the car mom and dad are in. Gasp! What will happen next?
Cut to 7:00 p.m. They look like they are eating, and mom comments to camera that the mood is “up”. As I mentioned in the recap of Part One, this is obviously a side effect of the hormones she’s taking to combat the menopausal mood swings. Trust me. Which reminds me: Hi Mom, if you’re reading.
Now we see monkey/chimp come out of the van! He totters up to the front door and rings the bell, Dad answers it, and with really, really bad acting skills, says, “Oh, my gosh!” His eyes are wide and everything, and we see he has made an unfortunate style decision by choosing some weird floral/Hawaiian shirt.
The paper that the monkey handed Dad says that it’s time for Mom and Dad to eliminate some chickadees.
It says, “This may seem harsh, but it’s a jungle out there.” People, leave the jokes to the experts, please.
Commercial. We flip back to Busey to see how the dork kid is doing. They are at some place for monster trucks. Busey tells the kid they will be driving, and dork kid reveals that he has never driven in his life.
Back to the show. Mom thinks that they should give Chelsea a chance. She wants to keep Marco on his toes. Dad doesn’t get it. He thinks that she’s not liked her till now, why keep her? Mom feels like Ana just tries to skate by on looks. Again, jealousy rears its ugly head.
Chelsea says to the camera, “These parents hate me.” Well, now we know she’s staying.
Mom is the one to do the dumping now, and starts to talk to all the girls. You know how they usually try to say something nice about each of them, before they get the boot? Not here. She says that Ana hasn’t been talkative. Now she’s being bitchy to Ana, not really throwing her a bone at all. Wow. Those hormones flip fast. Marco is sorry to see her go.
We see her packing her picture of him in her bags. Please. We just know she will write profanity on his picture when she’s gone. Oh, but wait! She gets a hug from the monkey. Then the camera goes back to the room and we see that she left the picture!! Nice touch, Ana.
Sunday, 9:00 a.m. Chauntal is talking to Chelsea and says that she thinks that Marco MUST be telling his parents something. Well, duh.
Next we see Marco and Chauntal walking. Chauntal tells him that she feels closer to him than other friends of hers. Cheese, cheese. They sit on a hammock and some Velveeta-y music plays.
Chelsea says to the camera, “They say nice girls finish last. Not me. I plan on winning this thing.” Chelsea tells Marco when she gets a chance to walk with him that she’s had her bags packed three times. He tells her that he likes who she is. She says the same basic thing. This is really boring.
Girls come down to tell mom and dad why they want to go to Greece. Chauntal says that it’s been great getting to know Marco, blah, blah, blah. She then bashed Chelsea. Chelsea says that she felt like she and Marco could get along well. Whoa – suddenly she is crying and says that she thinks he is a great guy and he’s cute, and blah, blah, blah. Mom was shocked when she started crying. They were all touched.
Marco gets to make a final plea to Reba and dad. He says he likes Chauntal because she can go out and have fun. By “go out and have fun” he means “stay in and give me a little sum’in sum’in.” He worries that Chelsea won’t do that. See, I told you it’s about the sex. Dad says that maybe she’d rein him in, like Reba does him. Marco looks skeptical.
Girls get a fax while this is going on that there’s one bad fact hidden about each of them in the parents’ room. They run to the room and start tearing it apart.
Mom and Dad get a fax to turn on the TV, where they see them ripping their room to shreds. Dad says, “Let’s go upstairs and see what the heck they’re doing.” Girls get caught red-handed. They never found the bad facts.
Fax rings. It says, “Check the answering machine.” Girls surprised; they say they never would have looked at the ANSWEING MACHINE! Foiled again!
Chauntal’s mom tells how Chauntal has borrowed $4,000 from a friend. She probably won’t pay it back. Chauntal says she hates borrowing from her mom all the time. Well, okay, then.
Chelsea’s mom tells how she and her friends trashed an ex’s house after he broke up with her. Chelsea weakly responds that she took oranges off his tree. He was 29 and she was 19. You can see mom’s nostrils flare.
Yay, kiddies! It’s Lie Detector time!
Commercial. Busey’s gone. Now it’s The Man Show.
Back to the show. We’re hoping Chelsea flips out again. LD guy lays it out for her, telling her that she can’t cry, ask to go home, beg for her teddy, etc.
Dad: “Would you bathe and feed us if we got too old to do it ourselves?”
Chelsea: “Yes.”
Thumbs down.
Mom: “Did you cry on purpose to get us to pick you?”
Chelsea: “No.”
Thumbs up.
Parent: “Did you think we were unfairly tough on you this week?”
Barbarella: “No.”
Thumbs down.
Parent: “If you married our son, would you give up your career to have children?” (Career? Do they really think she is serious about a career?)
Barb: “Yes.”
Thumbs up. Big duh.
Parent: “Chelsea, did you dance in your underwear to win money in a sexy girl contest?”
Chelsea: “No.”
Thumbs down.
Chelsea’s score: 3lies, 2 truths.
Now it’s Hustler girl’s turn.
Parent: “Chauntal, have you ever got fired simply for not showing up?”
HG: “Yes.”
Thumbs down.
Dad: “Chauntal, have you ever lied to our son this week?”
HG: “No.”
Thumbs up.
Dad: “Chauntal, have you ever told a man you loved him just to get him to buy you expensive gifts?”
HG: “No.”
Thumbs down.
Mom: “Chauntal, do you intend to repay your mother and friends the money you borrowed?”
HG: “Yes.”
Thumbs down.
Dad: “Chauntal, have you ever said anything bad about my son to the other girls this week?”
HG: “No.”
Thumbs down.
Mom rubs her forehead.
Chauntal’s score: 4 lies, 1 truth.
We see Reba and Dad talking, and mom says she thinks Chauntal is not as high maintenance as Chelsea. Probably true. They say they need to think about it a little more.
Commercial. No flipping. We’re tired.
Dad knocks on the girls’ door. Chauntal says she feels pretty confident since she and Marco “connected,” whatever that means. Chelsea said she felt numb.
Now to the end: Dad says Chauntal’s personality is awesome. He says Chelsea stepped up to the plate. Dad says that he and mom are going to do what they think is best. The winner is Chelsea.
Chauntal is ready to cry. Chelsea is flipping out. “Oh my god.” Dad says, “Kim and I felt that Chelsea was a little more honest.” Marco says it was hard, learning that his parents chose Chelsea. What he means is that it’s hard, learning that no boots will be a-knockin’ in Greece. Chauntal said it was hard to hear that they didn’t think that she was fit for their son.
Chelsea, “I just can’t believe we’re going to Greece.” Dad brings out sparkling cider. Chelsea toasts to a week they will never forget. Marco looks like he wants to cry.
TTFN!
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