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Posted by: TaraFromTexas on Jun 24, 2003 - 08:44 PM
Television
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Mom and Dad have to choose between Ryan, Mr. Malibu Ken, Pete, the bad boy, who even has little sections of spikes in his hair that resemble devil’s horns, and Chris, who really shouldn't be on this show at all. Which potential escort will the parents pick to win a trip to Australia with their daughter, Erin? More importantly, how did principal dad afford that pimped out castle the family calls home?
By Tara from Texas
www.MediaFiends.com
This article is owned by MediaFiends.com & may not be reproduced without permission.
We start with a nice once-over of the home. This place looks like something off of HGTV, not that I actually watch, but I’ve heard. Ok, the guy’s a principal, so how can he afford it? Is he doing something on the side? I am just curious.
Bad boy, aka Pete, wakes up Erin to see sun rise. I can’t help but remember some article I read last week about how men wake up with a huge dose of testosterone coursing through their veins (one of those things you know, but you don’t officially know know unless you’re a guy, I guess), so I’m kind of wondering if he had to treat himself before he went to get her, and if the camera guy had to wait.
The camera shows us the sun isn’t even up. Pete says, “What do you think about the view?” (No, the camera didn’t make any suggestive pans over his nether regions.) Erin says, “Pete seems a little sweeter when we’re by ourselves. I feel like he wants to get to know me a little more.” By “get to know me” I think she means, “Take my clothes off.” Or at least I think she does. I can’t tell if she’s bright enough to catch on. Erin is very pretty, but does have a slightly vacant, dazed look in her eyes, especially when she delivers nuggets of insight like, “He’s so sweet.” She says this about all the guys. For some reason she reminds me of Jessica Rabbit, minus the whole rabbit bit and, of course, the animation.
Cut to her second date of the day with Ryan, riding horses. She says, “ Before he was kind of standoffish, but now he’s very sweet.” Ryan: “Can I kiss you?” She looks around before leaning in. Why did she look around? Was this some sort of delay tactic, disguised as flirting? I am worried she was checking to see if someone else was watching. Maybe she doesn’t completely understand the whole point of a camera.
Date number three. Erin wears a cleavage baring orange top. I’ve got to say, dad has a big job ahead of him if he thinks he can keep guys away from this girl. She and Chris, a gay guy who clearly shapes his brows, go to a bakery. Played with food. Chef’s hat covers his eyebrows, for which I am grateful. Chris got chocolate on her face. Just so you know, it wasn’t cute. She actually looked like she just changed a really messy diaper. Confirms that he plays for the other team, since he’s not doing anything to clean her up and make her look better.
Back to the house. Guys were talking in their bedroom. Pete fake licked hand when he asked the guys if they got to suck face. Yuck. Pete thinks his biggest competition is his “dirty little secrets” – not other guys. Chris doesn’t consider Ryan competition. Ryan looks like he’s thinking about himself.
Dad invites them out to swim. Dum, dum, dum! Ex-girlfriends are sitting outside. Now I have to comment that these young women are sitting around in bathing suits. If I were any of them, I would be majorly p-o’ed. I mean, THEY are not the ones seeking fame on some cheesy reality show; nonetheless, they still have to succumb to rule number one in the reality TV. playbook: Thou shalt be seen in a bathing suit, whether or not scene is necessary to advancement of plot, since said scene will most certainly increase number of viewers.
First up is Betsy, a well-fed girl who probably hasn’t been in a bathing suit since 1996. She’s Pete’s ex. She says, “Pete is a charmer. He will charm his way into anything with a smile.” Into anything??? Eeew. Apparently Petey told her that his gas card would pay for gas and food on some big road trip they took. Turns out the gas card only worked at certain stations, none of which they ever came across, so she would sit in the car while he would ask women for money. Dad wasn’t surprised. She went on about how he never carries a wallet. Dad says, quick to the draw, “So is he a freeloader?” and to Pete, “In your defense, is what she said true or false?” Pete admitted it was true. I think he should get props for creativity with the finance issues, but that’s just me. I’m also thinking maybe Betsy was lucky to have a little time with the guy, seeing how she’s not just big, but also bitter.
Next up is Autumn, who has these crazily outlined lips. Ryan got nervous that “she won’t have anything positive to say.” I think, “Cool.” Lips says that Ryan LOVES Ryan. She tells us his priorities are “Ryan, his toys, then Ryan.” Mentions competing for mirror time. He likes pretty blondes with big boobs, perfect tan. Your basic Barbie doll. Cut to Erin, who looks happy, seeing as she is all three of these things. Did anyone else wonder where she got those boobs? Clearly, not from mom. They have to be real – they’ve got the trademark teardrop shape and everything, though I do hear that they are making implants now that are shaped that way. They can’t do that! It will take so much of the fun out of reality TV viewing! Ryan replies, “I do have high standards.” (Does anyone think that those are high standards?) Erin asks, “Why’d you break up if you’re so pretty?” Lips said (and you could tell she was really happy Erin asked this), “I broke up with him.” Dad asks, “True or false?” Ryan said, “True.”
Chris’ ex admitted he waxes (his brows were all she mentioned. Hmm…). He wears cosmetics. Cosmetics??? Wow, this guy is closer to the Castro district than I thought. Ex says he can drink a lot. Erin said she could tell something was different about his face. She didn’t know what, but, “I knew it was something.” Oh, boy. How could she not tell right away? Well, okay, so her bulb’s a bit dimmer than I thought. Anyway. Dad asked, “True or false?” Chris said what his girlfriend said was “False.” Yeah right. Why would she make that up? It only makes her look bad for going for a guy more feminine than she is. And you would have to be, well, Erin, to not notice the whole eyebrow issue.
Dad told the guys to get inside and get changed. He says he’s, “Not happy. Not happy.” I’m wondering if these guys will ever date again. (Of course, with Chris I wonder if he’ll ever date a woman again.)
Doorbell rings. Dad gets an envelope that says, “Pop’s quiz”, and it’s got a video attached. He says, “We’ll see what’s on this video. I bet it’s pretty good.” It showed dad saying to all the guys, “No pushing yourself on her.” Cut to Erin’s date with Ryan and him asking how he could I get in with her parents. Then several kisses. Cut to date with Chris. Then Chris kissing Erin. Only Pete was left, and Dad said, “I knew Pete had to be worse.” Mom said, “I wanted to stop my husband. I was terrified.” She knew Pete would probably be bad, too. Cut to date with Pete. Pete talking to Erin. Pete brought up Rule #6, saying that dad asked them, “So will you respect my wishes?… I’m going to respect his wishes.” Pete pulls away from what looked like could have been a pretty hot kiss.
Dad looks shocked.
Dad says, “I was shocked.” To the other guys he says, “All you’ve got to do is follow the rules. You get a perfect score, you win.” Nodding at Pete, he says, “Freeloading dog that he is, he’s following directions.” Pete says, “I’m not the slime bag that everyone thinks.”
Fax machine beeps. It tells mom and dad they must eliminate one of the boys, and that they have 15 minutes to do it. Dramatic cut to their faces. I’m thinking Mr. Revlon should be putting his walking shoes on.
Commercial.
Dad is talking to camera, saying, “Everything with Pete has been on same even keel, and he apologizes very, very well.” For mom, the makeup is a big deal. Bingo! I think we know what we have to do. Ryan says to the camera that he thinks he is the one to go. Breast shot of Erin. Dad says, “Pete, you’re staying. Chris, you’re leaving.” Mom says that the reasons they eliminated Chris were the drinking, the kiss, and the makeup. HELLO, the makeup.
Ryan: “I was relieved it wasn’t my name, but I wasn’t relieved that it wasn’t Pete’s name.” Dad says to the boys that they should remember each and every one of the rules. Camera cuts to the rules written on the chalkboard, but I don’t have time to write them down. Honesty is number one.
Next: Camera shows Erin dancing with Ken doll outside. I think dancing by your own pool with cameras is supposed to be romantic. Mom and Dad get a fax. It tells them to turn on TV if they want to see what’s going on outside with Erin and Malibu Ken. Ken says: “You’re kind of beautiful.” How is that a compliment? E: “What’s the most romantic thing you ever did?” Ken doll imaginatively replies that this is it. Erin says: “I like him a little more each time.” Funny, he feels the same way about himself. Dad to camera: “I appreciated that he said he would respect my wishes.”
Now it’s Pete’s turn for the slow dance by the pool. There’s some guy playing a violin in the background. At least I think it’s a violin - - it’s a little dark. Erin to Pete: “Well, hello!” (breathily). Mom and Dad, like rest of America, snicker. Dad to camera: “You could see Pete trying to be smoother, a little more charming.” Erin tells Pete, “I thought you would be gone the first day.” Then she thanks him for dancing, and says she had a good time. Pete: “Me too.” Pete didn’t kiss her, but did shove his fists into his pockets. Or was that my imagination? Pete: “Hopefully everyone will see the better man is me.”
Mom and Dad went out and danced. Yet again, how does dad afford this place?
Commercial.
Sunday, 8:00 a.m. Ryan, “During breakfast, it was so relaxing.” It was also quiet. I think he had plenty of time to plan out that day’s outfit. Dad to Pete: “Pete, how do you feel?” Pete: “Good.” Dad: “ I think you’ve rebounded. I have seen a lot of good qualities come out. It’s going to be tough to let either one of you guys go.” I think this means that Malibu Ken is getting the boot, since dad didn’t really talk him up. Let’s face it, Pete started out w-a-y low. When you start there, you can only go up.
After breakfast, the guys had time to make a final plea to mom and dad to let them take Erin to Australia. You just know that Malibu Ken is planning to watch Crocodile Dundee to see what outback wear would be appropriate.
Ryan first: “Pete is a goofball.” Dad says: “It’s not about blasting the other guy.” Ryan: “ I started my first business at nineteen, bought my first house at 21, me me me me me me me me me.” He’s wearing some stupid muscle shirt. Makes me wonder if there’s a mirror in that room that we, the audience, can’t see, so that he can get the full effect of his bulging biceps. Mom noted that he never talked about Erin. Wonder why?
Pete’s turn: “It’s been a pleasure. Erin, you’re the kind of girl a guy would be happy to be with. You’re sweet and intelligent. (From what, exactly, did he make this deduction?) I always did what you asked, and I respected your rules. I think I did a pretty good job from the get-go.” Simple, to-the-point. He’s in, unless he totally screws up the lie detector.
Dad: “I have no idea which one should be the one.” I call bullsh*t.
Dad then tells Malibu Ken and Pete to come with him to school to help him with some work. In a scene straight from The Simpsons, he makes Ryan write on the chalkboard: “ I will not kiss Mr. Schmidt’s daughter.” Pete had to write: “I will not steal women’s underwear." That was a reference to last week’s show, when we learned that Pete steals a pair of panties from every girl he makes it with. He apparently has 50 pairs. Make that 49 pairs, plus one pair of elephant panties from Miss Betsy.
Suddenly, we’re back with good old Mr. Lie Detector. Does anyone besides me really, really want that guy’s job?
Lie Detector guy: “Welcome back, Pete.” Then he met Ryan.
Commercial.
Pete seen wiping face, which is dumb. They edited that in to look like he’s nervous, but he knows it’s a cake walk from here on out.
Dad starts. “Pete, would you like me as your father in law?”
Pete: “Yes.”
LD guy: Thumbs up.
Dad: “Do you also wax your eyebrows?”
Pete: “Yes.” What!?!
Dad leans over to check him out.
LD guy: Thumbs up.
Mom: “Did you trick your ex into paying for all gas on your cross-country trip?”
Pete: “No.”
LD guy: Thumbs down.
Mom: “Have you lied to me and my husband this week?”
Pete: “No.”
LD guy: Thumbs down.
Dad: “Are you pretending to care about my daughter to win a trip to Australia?”
Pete: “No.”
LD guy: Thumbs up.
Now it’s Malibu Ken / Ryan’s turn.
Dad: “Have you made fun of me behind my back this week?”
Ken: “Yes.”
LD guy: Thumbs up.
Dad: “Ryan, have you lied to my daughter this week?”
Ken: “No.”
LD guy: Thumbs down. (Buh-bye.)
Mom: “Ryan, have you ever cheated on a girlfriend?”
Ken: “No.”
LD guy: Thumbs up.
Dad: “Ryan, do you think I overreacted to you kissing my daughter?”
Ken: “Yes.”
LD guy: Thumbs up.
Dad: “If I asked you to try to (try to?)not to sleep with my daughter in Australia, will you respect my wishes?”
Ken: “Yes.”
LD guy: Thumbs down.
Mom says to Dad, “Is your order still the same?” Dad implies yes, and then reminds mom that Erin left it up to them. Actually, no, the show left it up to them, but whatever.
Ryan to camera: “I think it’s neck and neck.” What a doofus.
Erin wears weird flowy blue top that bears her navel. It’s kind a cross between Britney Spears and Madonna, the Ray of Light years.
Mom says: “ It’s like telling my own son to leave.” Yeah, the son who sleeps with 50 women and the son with the wacked-out Barbie fantasy.
Erin: ‘I’m scared.” Me, too, honey. I have a feeling she's gonna be a breeder.
Dad: “I feel good about Erin being with either one of you. The person that will be taking my daughter to Australia is Pete. “
Dad to camera: “Robin and I chose Pete because we feel at all times he would put Erin first.”
Ryan leaves.
Erin hugs him.
Erin says to Pete, “We’re going to Australia!!!” Hug in the air. “Are you happy?” Pete says, “Yeah. Mr. Schmidt, I promise not to let you guys down.”
Dad says, “Why don’t you guys go in to living room, I’ll get some sparkling cider for a toast.” Whoa, settle down there! Dad comes in with crazy Pete-like hair.
Then the kicker: Dad reveals to Pete that he and his wife will be accompanying Pete and Erin on their trip. Dad will be Pete’s roommate. Hahahahaha!
Dad says, “I love you man.” Then kissed him and licked his face. Joke. But the I love you man part is true.
BTW, next week should be a total laugh riot. They showed a preview of a girl getting the lie detector test, and with tear-strewn face, crying, “This is so stupid!” I really cackled when I saw that one.
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