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Posted by: celest on May 01, 2003 - 05:30 PM
Television
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Mr. Drama tells us that “for you, it’s getting harder to choose”. Uh, no, it isn’t. Go away, Josh, you’re no good and I don’t like you. See how easy that was?
By Celest
www.MediaFiends.com
Robokids, then Ryan bounds onto the stage wearing a rugby shirt. If it was chosen to convince us that he’s manly, it didn’t work. Because we have to fill an hour tonight, Ryan wastes some time pointing out the signs in the audience. One reads “GET TO THE RESULTS”. OK, that’s pretty funny. Then he warns us what we’re going to have to endure prior to the 2.5 minutes that really matter. I’m ranking these from least “eww” to most here, not in the order Ryan gave them to us. A visit to Tamyra Gray on the set of Boston Public, footage of the kids at the X2 premiere, more Burt Bacharach, and, ewwiest of all, Justin Guarini. Swear to God, you people couldn’t pay me enough to do this.
Intro the judges. Randy felt like the “mean” act still wasn’t getting him enough camera time, so he’s regressed to booing Simon. Intro the kids who were, apparently, stuck on an elevator until just moments before showtime. Will someone please tell me why they had to go and let Josh out? Cue the recap of last night’s show. Josh sucked, Trenyce sucked, Kim and Clay didn’t suck, and Ruben bored me to tears. No surprises there, folks.
Time for the group sing, a medley of sixties songs. Clay’s kinda dancing but not really, Ruben’s kinda representing the 205 but not really, Josh kinda smiles while he sings but not really, and they’re all fantastic. But not really. Oh, and Clay’s moved back uptown and is strolling down Broadway again.
Commercials.
On our return, Ryan makes a bad joke before welcoming Burt Bacharach, who he calls “the king of cool”. I wonder if Burt can come out of the Alzheimer’s haze long enough to understand that he’s just been seriously dissed. I wonder, also, if he’s been studying at the “Josh Gracin School of Showing Respect” and maybe he’ll threaten to beat Ryan up. For the record: my money’s on Burt to take him in the first round. Burt thinks the show is good for music, but some years ago he apparently thought Burt Bacharach was good for music, so I’m not putting a lot of faith in his opinion. He’s here because we have to fill an hour. Also because the kids are going to sing What the World Needs Now for us, and they can’t be trusted not to screw it up without him there to conduct. Oh, and more special guests! Kim C., Rickey, Carmen (drat), and Julia’s breasts have all returned to help out; fortunately, the breasts decided to bring Julia along as well. I’m pissed because I thought I was pretty much done with Carmen, but I’m glad to see Julia again, anyhow. And, hey, you heard them sing it before, it’s pretty much just like last time except Clay’s opening solo is even longer and Kim C sucks a lot less when she’s not trying so damn hard. Just like the first time around, Julia takes the final note alone, and just like the first time around it’s hauntingly beautiful. Channeling Trenyce, Burt blows kisses to the kids while Ruben and Rickey sneak in a heart-warming hug in the background, then he and the four has-beens vanish into thin air. Oh, all right, I’ll phrase that better: Burt blows kisses to the kids, then the five has-beens vanish into thin air. Are you satisfied now?
Tonight’s stupid Ford skit: set to Do You Believe in Magic?, Ruben and Josh hold a banner high in the air. Every time they take it down and put it back up, the Ford behind it has magically morphed into an entirely different model. After this, I pretty much believe only in the magic of
Commercials. The guy who spells out “I Love You” in ketchup and e-mails a snapshot to his girlfriend is much funnier than the Ford thing was. And he’s not funny.
Now it’s time to go visit Tamyra on the set of Boston Public. Kim C. and Carmen are there, so you know it didn’t happen last week. Highlights: Kim L. works the clapper thing, and Ruben insinuates himself into the starring role. Have we filled enough time yet? I guess not, because someone’s going to force me to watch Justin Guarini for the next few minutes. Hey, Kelly’s in the audience and she’s having a good hair day! It’s nice to see these kids all showing up to support each other. Don’t write and tell me that they don’t have a choice: I prefer to sail on, happily oblivious to the truth. Ryan tries to get Justin to dish some dirt on his relationship with Kelly but the clown-haired one isn’t biting. Hey, Jacalynn! Can we have a poll here? How many people actually believe there’s anything going on with these two kids? I’d like to hear what the rest of the world thinks. (Ed. Note: Sure can celest. I just put one up about Survivor so tomorrow I will put that up for you.) Justin pimps his album, release date blocked from my conscious memory, and then sings I Saw Your Face. Yeah, he still sucks. Song sucks, too, but it’s not as bad as some of the crap on Kelly’s album.
Justin’s gone and guess what? More time to kill. Let’s watch footage of the kids attending the premiere of X2. Oh, God, Kim Caldwell’s there holding a microphone and pretending that someone wants her to interview them. I’ll bet she had to go out and buy her own cable access show just to keep her face on camera. Trenyce wants superpowers, but I think she should set her sights a wee bit lower and pray for votes. It’s boring, because it’s filler and crap all rolled into one.
Finally, it’s time to get things moving. Kids on couches. Except, since there’s only five of them left they’ve removed one of the couches, so I’ll have to rename this part of my recap “Kids on couch”. Doesn’t work as well, but if the alternative was keeping Carmen around then it’s worth the sacrifice. Tonight we’re only going to name the bottom two vote-getters, so get ready Trenyce and Josh. Kim is safe, Clay is safe, Trenyce is in the bottom two, and we’re down to Ruben and Josh, so it’s time for a break , right? Ha, fooled you. We’ve wasted enough time already, on with the true business of tonight’s show. Well, come on, Josh and Ruben? What do you think?
Remarkably, Ruben is in the bottom two! Really, I’m not kidding this time. Cut to Simon, looking angry enough to put the Speedo back on just for revenge. Cut to Josh, and I’m pretty sure the poor kid’s crying. Cut back to Simon, still about to blow a gasket. Cut back to Josh, still crying. Will somebody just send this kid home where he clearly wants to be? Please? For my sake if not for his? Let’s get the judges' opinions. Randy blusters angrily that this is crazy and Ruben’s brilliant. Paula thinks that Trenyce and Ruben should be laughing hysterically because the whole thing is ridiculous. Simon astutely observes that “we’ve given the public the right to vote and we have to respect their decision.” This elicits a huge round of booing from the audience, but, as usual, he’s got a good point. Hey, let’s drag this out a bit more with some
Commercials. You do realize, of course, that whatever happens, we’re stuck with Josh for at least another week, don’t you? And that he could conceivably pull a Nikki McKibbon and make it to the final three? And that I could surf the internet for creative ways to commit suicide?
Time to kill. Let’s get Trenyce and Ruben to sing again, OK? Trenyce and Proud Mary are first. She’s actually much better than yesterday, less frenetic and more understated, but I still don’t like her. Then it’s Ruben’s turn and he’s going to do Breaking Up is Hard to Do. He’s not any better this time around, as a matter of fact he’s probably a bit worse, but Randy and Paula dance in one another’s arms for a bit before Paula goes to sit on Simon’s lap. The whole thing is as creepy as a Trenyce performance. So, who’s it going to be? We’ll find out after the
Commercials. 90210 reunion. I’m about as anxious for that as I am for an American Idol 1 reunion.
Still it’s between Ruben and Trenyce. No suspense here, Josh is going home. D’oh! No he isn’t, and neither is Ruben. Trenyce is outta here, folks but not before we watch her good-bye movie (actually rather endearing), and hear one last song. This time it’s Love Will Keep Us Together, it’s ok, and we close on her performance, leaving no time for an on-camera hug moment.
Well, I’ve said it before, folks, and I’ll say it again: this is first and foremost a television show, and the FOX bigwigs’ ultimate goal is to make it watchable. This week they have succeeded. The recording industry may just be an unimportant casualty.
Until next week, take care.
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